I was driving in the dark from the gym to my grandparents home tonight, listening to music, rocking slowly and enjoying the peace that the countryside has to offer on beautiful summer nights like this one. I loved playing the flash games, where I flash the lights of my car to headlights and back whenever I see another car approaching, or slowing down when I see a person down the road for fear of running that person over. It is quite common to see a silhouette in the shadow and only later does it become clear that that was not barely a shadow but an actual human being. The narrow roads, the trees, it was all filling my heart with peace and calm.
And then I pulled up to the house. My heart froze. In front of the house was a Hatzalah ambulance with its flashing lights. I knew my grandfather was coming home from the hospital tonight. I knew that the doctors said that they can do everything within their power. I saw the hospice bed brought in earlier today ready to hold my grandfather for whatever he had remaining of his life. And yet, nothing moved me, or nothing numbed me as much as this flashing ambulance. It made everything so real.
And I, instead of rushing into the house, seeing what I can help with, cleaning, watching the kids, preparing some food, just being there as a support... I turned the car on and drove away. I did not know where I was driving as long as I was driving away. After about fifteen minutes of empty headed driving I realized I arrived at the place which I knew best in town, the bus stop. The same bus stop where I boarded a bus every morning to leave the town. My grandfather was coming home and I was running away, further and further until no one can stop me.
I thought about Yonah, the prophet who tried to run from G-d in an attempt to avoid delivering prophecy to the town of Ninveh. This summer so far, has been one of running for me. Perhaps my entire life was spent running away instead of confronting and dealing with the issues that came up. I got engaged. We got into a fight, I decided to break up for awhile. I ran away. And I always remained alone in the distance, constantly shedding the support that those around me were willing to provide. Why was I running? Where to?
Then it hit me. "I am not a baby!" I do not run away from life, I am a grown up who must confront life. After sitting in the parking lot for some time, I turned around and headed home.
My grandfather looked as yellow and as skinny as ever. "His liver is failing"- I was told. My grandmother believes that he will live. I have nothing to tell her. Nothing at all.
