What is Next in the Pressure Cooker

Image: firstpersonsingular.org

I woke up this morning with a start. I glanced at my watch and jumped out of bed. It was late and if I did not get my act together, I would be late for work. I threw on my grey sweater which was elegant enough to wear to work, squeezed into my pencil skirt, and applied some basic level of make-up while brushing my teeth at the same time. As I was running for the door, I looked in the mirror. Shucks! My hair was all over the place, licking my fingers and running them through my hair, I muttered to myself that this morning, this will just have to do.


I ran outside and despite the fact that it was a cold autumn morning, I was sweating. I ran up the blocks of Manhattan, crossing on red when there were no cars, and when I had to actually stand and wait for the light to turn green again, my heart throbbed with anxiety. I saw my favorite Starbucks. Today I could not go in. Today I had no extra time. Today I would remain hungry.

As I was crossing one street, I saw a friend from college who had graduated. She was wearing a plaid jacket and a pencil skirt. She was deep in thought and was also looking at the traffic light expectantly. I screamed out her name. Perhaps an immature act, it caught her attention. She looked at me and smiled. The light turned green, we passed each other and kept on half walking half running to work.

I thought of how ridiculous this all was. Soon I would be doing this fulltime. I would be running to sit in front of a computer screen all day, then I would run on a treadmill which goes nowhere and then I would have to go to sleep only to do the same thing the next day.

This brings me to my next point. As far as I can remember, humanity has consistently been focused on the future. Although that is what allows for progress, focusing solely on the future does not allow a person to enjoy the present.

What are we all doing anyway? When we are kids, we cannot wait to be adults, when we go to school, we cannot wait for seminary, then college, then we want to start ‘real’ life, life at work, somewhere there we also want to get married, then we want to have children, then we want to send them to school, then we are dying, and still we think that we aren’t members of the true life. Real life always seems to be over the horizon, like the rainbow, real life is a virtue that we can never reach.

I wake up in the middle of the night haunted by nightmares of the future. Although I have a pretty clear idea of what I will do upon graduation from college, questions of living arrangements, what details my job will entail, where grad school will come into the picture plague me by day and night. Then I also wonder about marriage and whether I have that in store for me.

As if my internal pressure was not enough to drive me up the wall, almost every single person I meet seems to want to know what I am up to. After they find out that I am graduating in January, they all want to know what I am going to do afterwards. That just rubs salt into my wounds. Why can’t people let me enjoy my last semester in college for what it is and not make me feel like some illegitimate being for still being in college?

Just because I am in college for a few more months doesn’t mean I am out already.

What’s next? Wait a few months, and you’ll see for yourself. I can’t wait to find out where life will take me.

The best thing is that once I get to the next step in life, those around me will not be satisfied, they’ll just want to know what the next step after that.

One day, I’ll be working, and people will ask me if I am dating seriously, if I am, they will be waiting for my finger to be adorned with an engagement ring, then a wedding ring. Then they will stare at my belly waiting for it to bloat.

I say, enjoy today for today. And I must learn to love myself just where I am even though future plans should be somewhere in m head.

On that note, Shabbat Shalom.