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Mazal Tov. My friend. From Seminary. Got Engaged.
I heard the news and I should have felt happy. But I didn't.
I wasn't sure if the reason I felt no clear sense of joy was because I thought I was extremely close with her and did not even know she was going out with someone seriously. Perhaps I should have given her the benefit of the doubt. She went on five dates before getting engaged. She did try calling me once last week. I was at work and could not pick up. Perhaps I should not judge so harshly. Why was I not happy for her?
I wished her a Mazal Tov. I said the right words. My heart was not in it though.
I thought about my friend, about seminary, about the larger issue that her engagement entailed that I was not willing to admit to myself existed.
The fact is, that out of my five closest seminary friends, as of tonight I am the only one who is not with a baby, not with a husband, and not even with a Chatan.
I am the last single girl of the clan. And the irony of it all is, that I am but only TWENTY years old.
Officially, we all wish each other the right one at the right time. Officially, each person does what is right for him or herself. Officially, no one takes into account other peoples statuses when making important decisions in life. But that is all officially.
In reality, however, there is this mad race destined to the canopy. And whoever gets to that Chuppah first scores.
I understand that I chose a different path in life. I shifted my focus to academics and career, not as a replacement for marriage and family, but as a process of self enrichment and achievement. It is natural that I would take longer to find a spouse, natural for me to be less desperate.
And yet, there is still that slight pang, that voice in the back of my head that I thought I buried forever, that whispers in a voice ever so annoying, you are the last single girl on earth.
