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According to Rebbetzin Jungreis, the cool thing about BUT is that it makes everything into something else. It transforms the forbidden into permitted, the beautiful into the ugly and the dead into the live, okay that might be a bit of an exaggeration.
Everything is perfect, BUT…
BUT is used in shidduchim for three purposes
1) present people as normal
2) to convince a person to go out with someone he/she does not want to go out with
3) reject the person being dated
1) Maimonides praises the Shvil Hazahav [Golden Mean] as the ideal place for most character traits.
Most people are looking for someone ‘normal’. That means that they have all qualities in moderation.
The Shadchan has a challenge of making the prospective shidduch sound appealing without making the guy/girl seem like some holy superhero. Especially, if the Shadchan is not sure what the person on the phone is searching for in a spouse, the BUT can be extremely useful
Below are two scenarios that illustrate my point—the fact that the big fat BUT is required to get shidduchim off the ground.
Scenario A:
(Malki-Bracha-Sarah-Mushki)
I have this girl for you. She is amazing. She went to Bais Faiga of Lakewood Ir Hakodesh, spent five years learning secluded in the Cave of Rabbi Shimon Bar Yochai plunging the depths of kabbalah.
She is such a tremendous Ba’alas Chesed. She spent two years of her life living in the old age home changing diapers.
This girl (name is too long to repeat) is such a tzaddeykes. She wears burkas and has been on a speech fast for the past three years to avoid speaking lashon hara (and because she has a speech impediment)
She is not selfish at all. She cares only for others. She hasn’t brushed her teeth in a month because she was so busy helping others.
Mrs. Shadchan, she sounds like she is a bit too right wing for me.
Oh, no problem. I have the prefect girl for you then. Her name is Fem-Bruriah-inist.
She led the bra-burning campaign in Stern College, and launched a new program for grad students called Yerushalmi Baerev.
She wants to have three children, because she is extremely halachic, although she wants them to be carried by a surrogate mother. Fem-Bruriah-Inist is going to name her daughter Talmudit, and hopes she will be come the first Rabbi (Who are we kidding Rabbah!) Fem-Bruriah-inist does not believe in traditional relationships.
She believes in equality. After every meal, she will wash three forks, as long as her spouse washes three forks. No more, No less.
Mrs. Shadchan, not for me.
Well, darling, I am afraid these are the last two single girls on Earth. (Remember, Shidduchim are like a parking lot: the good spots are taken, what is left is for the disabled)
Scenario B:
SAVED BY THE BIG FAT BUT
Hi, I have the perfect girl for you.
She is extremely smart, BUT she knows how to keep it in so as not to intimidate anyone.
She is very sweet, BUT not overly sweet, the type of annoying sweetness.
She is skinny, BUT not a non-existent toothpick
She has a personality, BUT she knows how to shut up (on occasion).
Gee, sounds great. Let’s give her a date.
2) Okay, the best thing is when you specify whether it is to the Shadchan directly or on the sawyouatsinai profile that you do not want something specific in a spouse; the Shadchan will use the dangerously manipulative BUT to make you go out with that person anyways.
You do not want to date someone from a sephardic descent (only because of cultural differences of course)
The Shadchan calls you up and says: Hey Sari, I have this most amazing guy: he is brilliant, a talmid chacham, he has the most impeccable human qualities, he looks gorgeous (tall, dark and handsome), he is in Harvard business school, and he was president of Hillel in college. He comes from the sweetest family.
Wow, Mrs. Shadchan, he sounds amazing. Can you set us up?
Well, not really? I think he is not for you.
What do you mean? Why not? (Why did you call me then?)
Well, there is something that is wrong with him.
What is it? Is he divorced with children? Does he have cancer or something?
No, no, it isn’t that.
(impatiently) Well, what is it, then?
Um, he is Sephardic.
Phew, I thought it was something bad. Oh, that’s not a problem, he sounds great.
4) Finally, not all people who date marry each other. That happens because of BUTs.
Mrs. Shadchan, the girl was amazing: beautiful, smart, kind, BUT she just wasn’t the one…
