Shadchanim or Shidduchim: The Wolf or The Lamb

Being Both: The Wolf and the Lamb


What do you prefer in a dating context: being set up or setting up others?

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The fact that I am a single woman who is searching for her second half who has single friends makes me into the dialectic human being. I am a being which has two sides to it. I am the matchmaker and at the same time the dater. There are two forces raging within me: that of the Isha Hashadchanit, and that of the Isha Baparasha. Both constitute opposing sides of the dating spectrum, and both coexist within me creating the conflict which has no solution, the being that has no harmony. While the Isha Hashadchanit is active, imposing matches upon others, forcing people to go out, to give it another shot, to be forgiving of shortcomings, the Isha Baparasha is cautious. Because of her very essence she cannot be active, she must be passive. She must wait for the phone call, she must not initiate, she must only respond. The Isha Baparasha pays attention to the detail and is not likely to let flaws pass.

Putting the Rav’s euphemisms aside, and on a more practical note, I have been on both sides of the dating spectrum, and I still am. I have set up many friends, one successfully. One of my best friends who my brother and I together set up with a wonderful young man is getting married to him in a few short weeks. That gives me much Nachas and joy.

When I try to get friends to go on dates, I can get so pushy. I begin to defy logic, start talking Kabbalah, soul mates. In my own head though, I am still myself. I am still the rational girl that thinks with her mind and does things which make the most of sense.

When I am on the other side, however, I look upon the Shadchanim as aliens. What are they thinking setting me up with so and so? How could they say that outlook on life doesn’t matter? How could they…

By understanding the conflict better, I hope to come to a better understanding of the components of my existence and maybe, just maybe, have some mercy on the other side when in any role.

Getting What You Want—A Different Perspective on Shidduchim

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A difficulty I have with Shadchanus is the fact that it makes me feel like a beggar. As if I am some desperate girl passing out from the disease of singlehood and begging on one knee for a spouse. It is easier to fundraise or to ask for help when it comes to others, it does not make you feel selfish. Aside from that Shidduchim also kill any sense of self respect that a person has for themselves. It is so demeaning to go to a person and have them ‘fix you up’ with someone as if you were broken. Enough people should know me to suggest someone appropriate.

Besides, meeting someone on your own is more romantic, usually has a nice story, and there is the advantage of having enough time to get to know a person better before stepping into the marriage track of dating.

A broken engagement and several months later I can confidently say that I have had a paradigm shift on Shidduchim. I no longer refuse to hear the word Shadchan, I actually pursue Shadchanim myself sometimes. It might appear extremely right wing to you. I will do my best to explain my view and beliefs on the matter. I want to hear what your opinion is on the matter.

Don’t throw stones at me, but I view marriage as pretty much any deal that I would like to secure. The parallel that I keep on thinking of is real estate and the Shadchan as the real estate agent. No, I am not saying that a guy is an apartment or a house, but there are definitely similarities.

If my guy-friends are not people I am interested in potentially marrying, then waiting around for my guy to show up on the white horse is not really working.

So now looking for a husband is on my to-do list similarly to pursuing my education, choosing my career path, and figuring out where I want to live. And I am taking active measures to find what I want in marriage just as in any other area of my life.

I know what I am looking for in a guy, I pretty much made a list of the qualities I am not willing to compromise on, qualities that I would prefer, and qualities that are a no-no for me. Once I understood what I wanted, I started telling people to keep me in mind. I might be extreme, but I remember sitting at a Shabbat table. There were many people sitting there and everyone took their turn introducing themselves with a name and a brief description. I smiled and said: Hi, my name is Tania, I am single and searching. People laughed.

When I meet people who know many guys I tell them what I am looking for in a guy and tell them to keep me in mind.

My prerogative is to get as many great young men as I can to choose my spouse from. Therefore, I try to reach as many sources as I can.

My brother once called a Shadchan, the Shadchan suggested a guy who had previously rejected me. Instead of saying that the guy said no, my brother said: “He is a bit harsh; my sister is looking for someone with a sweeter personality.” I loved the way my brother twisted it. It was not about the guy, it was about me, and about what I am looking for.

The person who is in Shidduchim is the consumer. And there are consumer rights which can and should be used to provide the consumer with his or her needs.

Oxymoron: Professional Shadchan

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I was talking to a friend about Shadchanim. We started talking about a certain one and then my friend said. I love her; she is such a professional Shadchan.

I was startled there for a bit. What do you mean professional?

I was raised with the understanding that people are considered professionals when they do not mix business with personal lives. The business of a Shadchan is PERSONAL life. How professional is it to know exactly what one finds attractive, what one is looking for in a spouse, how one reacts when having to wait for a phone call three entire hours, how many kids one wants to have (however many Hashem gives of course), what one thinks of family, financial ideas, and how one likes to spend their free time.

On that note, Shadchanim, when good, can make the job of shopping for a spouse less awkward by keeping relevant information to themselves, by returning phone calls, and by not dismissing every issue that comes up as ‘ridiculous’.

My brother asked me if I knew how many Shadchanim it took to change a light bulb. I said that I did not. He said: “Why? What is wrong with this light bulb? It does not need to be changed.”

The big fat BUT in Shidduchim

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According to Rebbetzin Jungreis, the cool thing about BUT is that it makes everything into something else. It transforms the forbidden into permitted, the beautiful into the ugly and the dead into the live, okay that might be a bit of an exaggeration.




Everything is perfect, BUT…



BUT is used in shidduchim for three purposes

1) present people as normal

2) to convince a person to go out with someone he/she does not want to go out with

3) reject the person being dated



1) Maimonides praises the Shvil Hazahav [Golden Mean] as the ideal place for most character traits.



Most people are looking for someone ‘normal’. That means that they have all qualities in moderation.



The Shadchan has a challenge of making the prospective shidduch sound appealing without making the guy/girl seem like some holy superhero. Especially, if the Shadchan is not sure what the person on the phone is searching for in a spouse, the BUT can be extremely useful



Below are two scenarios that illustrate my point—the fact that the big fat BUT is required to get shidduchim off the ground.





Scenario A:



(Malki-Bracha-Sarah-Mushki)

I have this girl for you. She is amazing. She went to Bais Faiga of Lakewood Ir Hakodesh, spent five years learning secluded in the Cave of Rabbi Shimon Bar Yochai plunging the depths of kabbalah.

She is such a tremendous Ba’alas Chesed. She spent two years of her life living in the old age home changing diapers.

This girl (name is too long to repeat) is such a tzaddeykes. She wears burkas and has been on a speech fast for the past three years to avoid speaking lashon hara (and because she has a speech impediment)

She is not selfish at all. She cares only for others. She hasn’t brushed her teeth in a month because she was so busy helping others.





Mrs. Shadchan, she sounds like she is a bit too right wing for me.



Oh, no problem. I have the prefect girl for you then. Her name is Fem-Bruriah-inist.

She led the bra-burning campaign in Stern College, and launched a new program for grad students called Yerushalmi Baerev.

She wants to have three children, because she is extremely halachic, although she wants them to be carried by a surrogate mother. Fem-Bruriah-Inist is going to name her daughter Talmudit, and hopes she will be come the first Rabbi (Who are we kidding Rabbah!) Fem-Bruriah-inist does not believe in traditional relationships.

She believes in equality. After every meal, she will wash three forks, as long as her spouse washes three forks. No more, No less.



Mrs. Shadchan, not for me.



Well, darling, I am afraid these are the last two single girls on Earth. (Remember, Shidduchim are like a parking lot: the good spots are taken, what is left is for the disabled)



Scenario B:



SAVED BY THE BIG FAT BUT



Hi, I have the perfect girl for you.

She is extremely smart, BUT she knows how to keep it in so as not to intimidate anyone.

She is very sweet, BUT not overly sweet, the type of annoying sweetness.

She is skinny, BUT not a non-existent toothpick

She has a personality, BUT she knows how to shut up (on occasion).



Gee, sounds great. Let’s give her a date.





2) Okay, the best thing is when you specify whether it is to the Shadchan directly or on the sawyouatsinai profile that you do not want something specific in a spouse; the Shadchan will use the dangerously manipulative BUT to make you go out with that person anyways.



You do not want to date someone from a sephardic descent (only because of cultural differences of course)



The Shadchan calls you up and says: Hey Sari, I have this most amazing guy: he is brilliant, a talmid chacham, he has the most impeccable human qualities, he looks gorgeous (tall, dark and handsome), he is in Harvard business school, and he was president of Hillel in college. He comes from the sweetest family.



Wow, Mrs. Shadchan, he sounds amazing. Can you set us up?



Well, not really? I think he is not for you.



What do you mean? Why not? (Why did you call me then?)



Well, there is something that is wrong with him.



What is it? Is he divorced with children? Does he have cancer or something?



No, no, it isn’t that.



(impatiently) Well, what is it, then?



Um, he is Sephardic.



Phew, I thought it was something bad. Oh, that’s not a problem, he sounds great.





4) Finally, not all people who date marry each other. That happens because of BUTs.





Mrs. Shadchan, the girl was amazing: beautiful, smart, kind, BUT she just wasn’t the one…