 |
| Image: http://www.jewcy.com/files |
A difficulty I have with Shadchanus is the fact that it makes me feel like a beggar. As if I am some desperate girl passing out from the disease of singlehood and begging on one knee for a spouse. It is easier to fundraise or to ask for help when it comes to others, it does not make you feel selfish. Aside from that Shidduchim also kill any sense of self respect that a person has for themselves. It is so demeaning to go to a person and have them ‘fix you up’ with someone as if you were broken. Enough people should know me to suggest someone appropriate.
Besides, meeting someone on your own is more romantic, usually has a nice story, and there is the advantage of having enough time to get to know a person better before stepping into the marriage track of dating.
A broken engagement and several months later I can confidently say that I have had a paradigm shift on Shidduchim. I no longer refuse to hear the word Shadchan, I actually pursue Shadchanim myself sometimes. It might appear extremely right wing to you. I will do my best to explain my view and beliefs on the matter. I want to hear what your opinion is on the matter.
Don’t throw stones at me, but I view marriage as pretty much any deal that I would like to secure. The parallel that I keep on thinking of is real estate and the Shadchan as the real estate agent. No, I am not saying that a guy is an apartment or a house, but there are definitely similarities.
If my guy-friends are not people I am interested in potentially marrying, then waiting around for my guy to show up on the white horse is not really working.
So now looking for a husband is on my to-do list similarly to pursuing my education, choosing my career path, and figuring out where I want to live. And I am taking active measures to find what I want in marriage just as in any other area of my life.
I know what I am looking for in a guy, I pretty much made a list of the qualities I am not willing to compromise on, qualities that I would prefer, and qualities that are a no-no for me. Once I understood what I wanted, I started telling people to keep me in mind. I might be extreme, but I remember sitting at a Shabbat table. There were many people sitting there and everyone took their turn introducing themselves with a name and a brief description. I smiled and said: Hi, my name is Tania, I am single and searching. People laughed.
When I meet people who know many guys I tell them what I am looking for in a guy and tell them to keep me in mind.
My prerogative is to get as many great young men as I can to choose my spouse from. Therefore, I try to reach as many sources as I can.
My brother once called a Shadchan, the Shadchan suggested a guy who had previously rejected me. Instead of saying that the guy said no, my brother said: “He is a bit harsh; my sister is looking for someone with a sweeter personality.” I loved the way my brother twisted it. It was not about the guy, it was about me, and about what I am looking for.
The person who is in Shidduchim is the consumer. And there are consumer rights which can and should be used to provide the consumer with his or her needs.
