What do you prefer in a dating context: being set up or setting up others?
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The fact that I am a single woman who is searching for her second half who has single friends makes me into the dialectic human being. I am a being which has two sides to it. I am the matchmaker and at the same time the dater. There are two forces raging within me: that of the Isha Hashadchanit, and that of the Isha Baparasha. Both constitute opposing sides of the dating spectrum, and both coexist within me creating the conflict which has no solution, the being that has no harmony. While the Isha Hashadchanit is active, imposing matches upon others, forcing people to go out, to give it another shot, to be forgiving of shortcomings, the Isha Baparasha is cautious. Because of her very essence she cannot be active, she must be passive. She must wait for the phone call, she must not initiate, she must only respond. The Isha Baparasha pays attention to the detail and is not likely to let flaws pass.
Putting the Rav’s euphemisms aside, and on a more practical note, I have been on both sides of the dating spectrum, and I still am. I have set up many friends, one successfully. One of my best friends who my brother and I together set up with a wonderful young man is getting married to him in a few short weeks. That gives me much Nachas and joy.
When I try to get friends to go on dates, I can get so pushy. I begin to defy logic, start talking Kabbalah, soul mates. In my own head though, I am still myself. I am still the rational girl that thinks with her mind and does things which make the most of sense.
When I am on the other side, however, I look upon the Shadchanim as aliens. What are they thinking setting me up with so and so? How could they say that outlook on life doesn’t matter? How could they…
By understanding the conflict better, I hope to come to a better understanding of the components of my existence and maybe, just maybe, have some mercy on the other side when in any role.
