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For people who do not fit into a precise dating box, the appropriate shadchan involvement varies from case to case.
There is a spectrum starting with Charedi and ending in super modern orthodox crowds
In the Charedi circles:
1) The shidduch can only happen through a shadchan
2) The Shadchan sets the first date directly
3) The Shadchan is still the intermediary for the first 3-6 dates
4) The Shadchan lets the parties know when the other one thinks it is appropriate for marriage.
In the most Modern Circles (assuming there is a shadchan)
1) Do not call that person a shadchan. So old fashioned.
2) Gives the guy and girl each others number and crosses fingers
3) If the guy likes the girl, he might ask her out again on the date
4) He might call the next day, in three weeks, never
5) If one of the daters is extremely honest or forward, he/she might end it right there
6) That’s it.
Now, since most people aren’t exactly one extreme or the other of the spectrum, it is normal for me to try to feel out what the guy is comfortable with and to accommodate.
The only thing I am strict about and it drives some guys crazy is knowing where we stand.
After you meet any person there are only three options:
1) Yes, I want to see you again
2) No, I do not want to see you again
3) Perhaps I want to see you again. I have to think about it.
Whatever it is, tell me. Talk to me. Let me know.
I hate standing in the unknown.
I once went on a date, and it was mediocre. As we were approaching my destination, I was debating whether I wanted to go out with him again or not. As he said good-bye and started walking away, I was seized by panic: “What! I am supposed to wait for him now and figure out what he is thinking when I don’t even know if I like him? Never!”
I called him back and broke up with him. He was surprised, but I really wasn’t in the mood of playing the stupid game.
Another time I was on a date, and I couldn’t quite place the guy, so as he was leaving, I asked him if he wanted to be in touch through the Shadchan.
He looked at me as if I fell from the moon: “Or I’ll call you,” he said.
Right then, call me.
What appeals to me in the Charedi system is the structure.
In the more modern world the relationship is more natural... although, ironically, it gives the guy much more power. He is the one to decide if the relationship is one worth pursuing and the girl (yes, even the modern one) is expected to wait and not initiate.
