What To Do With Former Love Letters

Image: http://farm4.static.flickr.com

What in the world am I supposed to do with former love letters? 

Should i create a bonfire for them, or should i publish them after my death?

Are they a testament to falsehood?

Are they a reminder that there is no point in trusting again?

When I dated someone a few years ago, we had a whole romantic correspondence.

I knew that the letters we wrote each other were unique and that I would one day enjoy reading them and showing them to our grandchildren.

I stored the letters in a special email folder... 

Alas, the relationship did not work out and we didn't get married, and yet, despite the break-up I never deleted the letters. 

I never really looked back and reread them, but knowing that they were there was somehow comforting. 

Consciously, I was thinking that I might use them one day to write a novel...

Subconsciously, I probably didn't want to let go.


Forward a year. I was dating someone else, and things started getting serious, we started using the M word in conversations, and I knew that I should probably delete the emails. 
With a heavy heart and a strong sense of duty, I logged in and clicked delete. 
I went to the trash folder and deleted them from there as well. 


Everything would be fine, except that the relationship with the next guy also fell apart. 
And now I was still single, and on top of that I didn't have the love letters from guy 1. 


Apparently, I used to be quite smart, and I envisioned myself doing what I did because this week when I was looking through old files and books, I found a folder with all the emails printed out and stored in order. 
I was so grateful to the me of two years ago for taking that precaution. Maybe I still would be able to produce a novel someday.


I spent some good hours looking through the files. I smiled at times, laughing at how naive I could have been to believe what he said, shocked at others by things emanating from my own fingertips, and sad at times over the fate the relationship took on, the pain endured, and the innocence of the first romance lost. 


Now, I have letters from more men. And in a way, I am so blessed to have these souvenirs to remind me when I am going through a dry spell, that there are times when it rains, and there are times when it pours.


Do I keep them or do I throw them to the winds?

First Date or Not So Much?

Image: http://www.demotivationalposters.org

So there is this murky line which makes dating life extremely confusing.
And that is going from being friends or friendly with someone for awhile with frequent interactions to going out on dates as dates.

He has seen you in good days and bad days, with your ups and downs, pretty much knows you in a casual sense as a friend.... and now you are going out, and suddenly, you are expected to dress up, put on make-up, be all date-like...

Don't you think it's a bit more unnatural going from friends to dates than just starting off as dates initially?
Are the rules different?

Aggressive Vs. Passive Dates

Image: http://youoffendmeyouoffendmyfamily.com

What do you prefer: someone more foreword and aggressive? Or someone sweeter with a passive side?
In the past two weeks, I have experienced both extremes and cannot really decide what I choose.

Anyhow, I met a certain someone at a meal somewhere and he liked me.
I was flattered when he wanted to pursue the relationship afterward.
When I told him I was seeing someone else, he suggested that I break up so that I could see him instead.
When I declined, he kept on pushing.
He was pushing me into feeling guilty that I wasn't giving him a chance.
Although I kind of enjoyed the attention in the beginning, by his seventh phone call (which I did not respond to), I was resenting his forwardness tremendously.

Another guy sort of expressed interest in me through a third party.
I heard of this and responded through the third party in the affirmative.
Then I kept on bumping into this guy and he never said anything.
I was confused. I asked him if he was serious.
He said he was, it was just bad timing. He was leaving for a few weeks.
When he returned, he asked me if I was available.
I wasn't.
By the time I was available, I was scared to approach him in my ridiculous forward manner.
I told the in between person that I would be interested in going out with him if the feelings are reciprocated.
Guy told third party he would talk with me directly.
Four long conversations later, he finally asked me out.

What does all of this mean? What does it mean if a guy is very forward? Is he abusive? Is a guy who can't come forth for a long time extremely shy? Is he not a go-getter? Is he not too interested? Does he not know how to communicate with the opposite gender?

What is it?

Problem with Dating

Image: http://iwastesomuchtime.com

Hattip to Sam for pointing this out to me.

The problem with dating is that you can never have it all. 

You Did Not Just Say That

Image: http://images.cheezburger.com

I broke up with Mr. 4 months. It was sudden and out of the blue.
I returned to my apartment sobbing loudly.
My roommate gave me a hug and when I calmed down a bit and caught my breath,
she told me: "I am kind of happy you broke up, because I was nervous you would get engaged before me."

I stared. "YOU DID NOT JUST SAY THAT." Was my thought process. But she did. She said it like it was.

Because I ended it after four months with a guy who couldn't commit, and she was dating a guy for two years still hoping he would propose someday.

I felt like telling her: "If you keep on dating the guy you are dating now, I will still get engaged before you!"

Corrupting Youth on Dates

Image: http://www.smartdestinations.com

I was once on a date (I know it is hard to believe) and the guy took me to an exhibition of ancient Egyptian artifacts.

Of course we got into the discussion of Mitzrayim and all that it represents to the Modern Jew.
I commented here and there on tiny gadgets and offered my pshetlach in a half serious half-joking manner.
Finally, he looks at me with this expression bordering between confusion and awe and he says:

"I sure hope you will never become a teacher. You will corrupt all the innocent little kids."

He basically called me corrupt on a date. What in the world!

Um... that was the last date. 

Okay With Waiting

Image: http://www.3gatti.com 

I am trying to work on myself.
Being that I have a forward personality and that I say what I feel when I feel it, I am trying to hold out a bit more and have guys come out of their cocoons.

Which means that I have to wait.
I must wait without knowing.
I cannot always be the first one to pose the question, to force the response.

Because that leaves only the most agressive, forward guys for me to date.
Anyone who needs awhile to come out of their shell doesn't stand a chance.
So I am left with no choice, but to wait. To wait and see...

On the other hand, maybe I need a forward guy because that matches my personality best?
Maybe I don't want to spend my life waiting for my husband to open up?

Whatever it is, I am trying out waiting now...
And it is so extremely hard to let go of the reins and let other people and circumstances take control.

The Way We Think of Exes

Image: http://images4.cpcache.com

Just because he dumped you, doesn't mean he is a jerk.
Although, between me you and the lamp post, of course he is a jerk.
Even if the guy has some amazing qualities, the fact that he let you go, we aren't talking about anyone here, this is you. That very fact makes every guy who dumps a girl a jerk. Sorry, just the way it is.

Once when a guy and I were breaking up, the guy said:
"I still respect you very much and hope that you will think highly of me too."
I was stunned.
"No thank you. The reason you have to think nicely of me because you are the idiot who can't commit. And I am definitely not promising to think highly of you, thank you very much."

And while I'm at it, I think that the reason people say "Let's just be friends" when they dump is because they don't want to make it to your black list.
Nice try, we can be best friends. You are still one huge idiotic tuches.

Now, to respond to anonymous out there (who might technically be an ex),
yes, I have broken up with people and am willing to pay the price.
I don't break up with guys and then smile, bat my eyelashes and say: please, think highly of me...

When You Don't See It Coming

Image: http://www.ic.nc.gov

A friend and I developed this theory that the worst types of break-ups are the ones you can't see coming.
Basically if you are going out with a guy and he is all into you, texts you all the time and tells you what an awesome time he is having with you, when he dumps you, you feel a million times more idiotic than you would if he would have acted pareve and would have just ended it by saying he didn't feel it.

The feeling of being tricked is so harmful. It makes the person feel gross and like an idiot who fell for yet another dating trap.

Do you think it is better for someone to act as if it's on 100% until it's off, or is it better to act as one feels?

Dates Aren't Mind Readers

Image: http://www.sweetvenues.com

And concerning the latest hype on all the blogs about the need guys have to read the girls mind and bla bla bla

For heavens sake, girls speak up! If you need to excuse yourself, by all means DO SO!!!
If you are freezing cold, suggest a warmer place!
No guy wants a girl dying of frost bite on the date.

How are people ever supposed to learn communication if they never communicate anything?
G-d gave us words to distinguish us from other animals (See The Kuzari). Use them!

I have yet to see a guy reject a girl because she went to the bathroom on a date.
If he did, he has serious issues and you wouldn't want to be married to him, trust me.
He probably isn't human.

Now don't worry, it took me time to learn this.
When I started dating two years ago, I would wait for excruciatingly long periods of time because I felt uncomfortable disrupting the  flow of the date, no pun intended.
It took me a bit more than a year to come to my senses. The first time I excused myself on a date and went to the bathroom, the guy started telling me how proud he is that I actually went to the bathroom.
I would have probably liked to talk about the weather instead, but it was still nice to hear a voice of human recognition and normalcy from someone.

That being said... there are certain ettiquette things which should be covered.
There are certain expectations that span across the larger dating world.

1) For example, the guy is expected to plan the dates. If he does not do so, he isn't necessarily an awful guy.
If a guy called me now and said he has no idea where to go, I could either jump in and take the mans role and plan the date (so tempting), or I could say: "Oh, it's Tuesday, I'm sure that by Thursday you'll be able to figure something wonderful out."

2) Cabs vs. Subway. I used to theorize with friends that it is better to have guys take you in a cab for coffee than to take you on the subway for dinner. That was when we lives midtown. Living in less central areas makes it more difficult and where I live it is definitely more acceptable to use the subway.

But those things can be discussed. If a guy doesn't do something he is supposed to, bring it up in a normal way and see how he deals with it. He might be a jerk, but might be a mentsch who is slightly confused in life.

And finally, people aren't mind readers. Guys aren't and surprise surprise, girls aren't mind readers either.
No I don't know that when a guy says I love you and want to spend the rest of my life with you he is actually getting cold feet and wants to leave.
This is something I struggle with on a constant basis.
Because somewhere, I just want to be understood. I want someone special to know what I am thinking without me having to say it. I am spoiled by Hollywood.
But I understand that real life doesn't work that way.

If something disturbs me, I will try to bring it up and I would like for the guy I am dating to do the same to me.

Is One Date Enough to Know If It's A No

Image: http://www.best-of-web.com/

Wow... Wow... Wow....
That was quite an attack!
Thank you aminspiration. I said no because we were not compatible.
The put together comment just put my thoughts together.

In response to Cymbaline's comment to my previous post whether one date is enough to know if you don't want to marry the guy.
Most people will call me harsh and Ish Yehudi will kill me but I do think that quite often you can know if it's a no very soon.

"I might not know what I want but I definitely know that I do not want this," is the philosophy that I would apply to this case.

If you go out with a guy, and at the end of three hours you have no particular desire to see this person again, in my humble opinion, you shouldn't marry this person.

If you went out, and he is sort of cute, and kind of nice, and you aren't head over heels, but you totally wouldn't mind spending another three hours with him, that is when you say yes to a second date.

I think with all the people dating out there, it shouldn't be insulting or extraordinarily judgmental of someone to say no after a first date. From all the guys out there, you will probably end up with one (two or three max).

Guys, take a chill pill, try to have fun. If you can't have fun with a particular individual, you don't have to force yourself through another date with them. It is not fair to you, and definitely not fair to them. Someone else will find them extremely entertaining. And it is okay if that somebody isn't you.

Unless you are incapable of having fun. In which case please see a therapist. 

Put Together

Image: http://www.cartoonstock.com

We were sitting in his car. It was dark outside for awhile. Somehow, the night had a magic of its own and I felt safe and cradled in the front seat. He was looking at me. He was waiting for me to speak. This was a first date. But the shadchan wasn't going to be involved. I had to do this on my own.
I braced myself.
"I had fun with you," I said, "But I know you only date for Tachlis, so although I'd be happy to spend more time with you, I would hate to waste your time because in terms of marriage we aren't going to work out."
God, this was harder than I thought. He looked like someone just punched him.
"Why?" He asked. "I think we could work as a couple. I think you are smart, funny and put together."
Put together? After I heard those words, any chance there was of me being coerced into another date was over.
Put together is something you say about a seventy year old lady who is kind of cute when she wears those suits where the print on the jacket matches the skirt. Not about a twenty one year old young woman.
Perhaps he didn't want to be inappropriate, I don't know. I think he shouldn't have commented at all then.
If you are commenting on looks then go all the way.
Don't stop at put together.
How do other people feel out there about comments regarding the physical nature of the person on a first date?

The Kiddush Crisis

Image: http://4.bp.blogspot.com

As I am sitting there in post-break-up state trying to keep my head above water and pass the time with serenity, my friends, whom I have a variety of, thank G-d, come to console their grieving friend.

As we are trying to chit chat about nothing too important, Friend 1 mentions the fact that she enjoyed making kiddush at her meal the night before.

Friend 2 asks if there were men at the table.
There were.

Friend 2 flips and starts screaming at Friend 1 that she is changing tradition, reforming Judaism, ignoring the rabbis, defying the spirit of the law, etc...

Friend 1 is shocked at the insults being hurled in her direction completely out of nowhere and tries to respond by saying she consulted with rabbis, she quotes the source from Mehabber in Orah Hayyim 271:2.

Friend 2 really couldn't care less about the rabbis and tells Friend 1 that she will never eat by her again and then, then comes the biggest threat aka the shidduch threat. "I had guys I would set you up with. Now I wouldn't set you up with anyone! You hear me???"

I try to calm them down. I ask Friend 1 to continue the conversation another time, and I ask Friend 2 to quiet the tiger within her. She screams at me: "If you support Friend 1, I am never going to eat by you either!"

I am sitting there not knowing what hit me. The last thing I want to be doing is being in the crossfire of the Kiddush crisis!

The reason I bring this all up is because I want to know how controversial it is for a woman to make Kiddush or Hamotzi in the presence of men. Is it appropriate? For you, would it be a deal breaker in shidduchim? 

I don't feel a burning need to make kiddush and hamotzi every single week, however, when I brought up the idea of potentially making kiddush or challah on occasion to see if the guy is flexible, he flipped on me. 

In case you were wondering, we never married each other. 

When Love Fizzles Out

Image: http://i.dailymail.co.uk

Get married before the relationship fizzles out.

When I was going out with a certain individual and we got to the point where we were introducing each other to friends and family (hint hint getting serious) an older relative of mine met us and chatted us up as a couple for awhile.

Finally, after assessing us for all we are worth, he took me to the corner and said the following:

“I could see there is potential, so make sure to get engaged and married before the relationship fizzles out.”

Now I was standing there dumbfounded, not knowing exactly how to respond to the order I just received from the self proclaimed general Eisenhower to get married as soon as possible. 

It took me a few days to realize why I was unhappy with what he told me. 

Despite his best wishes, my relative was telling me that the relationship was bound to fall apart, and I must make sure that it falls apart after I am married and trapped.

I was furious. If the relationship will fizzle out, let it fizzle out before we commit, let us both be free.

The relationship did fizzle out, and I am still here and still single writing this blog. 

Do all relationships fizzle out eventually? If people dated for a long enough time, would no one ever get married?

I guess it might depend on a persons objective.

1) If a person wants to get married, then definitely, go ahead and marry fast before anything disastrous can happen. 

2) If the objective is to find a person you can truly live with and lead the life of your dream with, then I would imagine waiting might be worth your while, even though the path is fraught with uncertainty.  

Talking Balance on Dates

Image: http://www.cartoonstock.com

There are quite a few factors that must be considered when evaluating conversations on dates. 

1) Did the conversation flow?

2) If it did, did one of the parties have to do most of the talking?

3) Who was the conversation focused on: the girl or the guy?

4) Was the date one flowing conversation or was it more like an interview?

Ok, so I think most people would agree that a good conversation in dating would be a healthy balance in conversation between the young man and woman seeing each other. 

When the guy talks non-stop for the first hour and a half of the date and I think my brain will dry out from the focus and attention this man requires, needless to say, that wouldn't be one of the greatest dates of my life. 

I have also heard guys complain about girls who will not shut their beautiful mouths during the date. 

The best scenario is when a guy talks about himself enough to make you feel like you aren't sitting with a total stranger and when he displays genuine (or at least pretend) interest in you and your life. 

RJ posed this fascinating question before me: if a guy talks about himself the entire date and then dumps me, does that mean he hates himself?

Awkward Date Moments

Image: http://www.ornot2b.com

Granted, it's been awhile since I've been on a first date.

As I was sitting in a restaurant with this guy some friend thought I should meet, we are chatting up.
He is giving me the eye-flirt-stare as he is talking. I am sitting there wondering if I should play along and flirt him out of his kishkes.
At first I was sweet and on the quieter side.
As he continued talking about his life, job, friends, and food, I thought what the heck and jumped in with my sarcastic comments.
I think Mr. Guy was blown away.
After a fifteen minute back and forth, he looks at me and says: you are not at all what you seem to be.
I stare at him.
Um, and what exactly do I seem to be?
Aidel.
Thank you.
Indeed. I am an aidel maidel. You are the first person who ever categorized me as such. Able to see to my essence.

As we are sitting there engrossed in conversation this little petite thing with long brown hair stops by our table and stares at guy. Oh my gosh, what a coincidence (!!!) Hi!
He smiles awkwardly. Hi.
She has him cornered: I wrote you an email. Did you get it? You didn't respond.
Guy: Yeah, I've been extremely busy and couldn't get to your email.
Girl: Well, I sent you another one.
Guy: I'll look at it.

Now I am sitting there observing this entire fiasco and thinking: ok, this guy clearly has some unresolved baggage. What in the world is going on?

To make things worse, the girl sat at the table across from us the entire evening staring and glaring at the guy.

Seriously!?

I might have dated guys in the past but it is not exactly like I bring all of my exes on dates to stare me down while i am trying to meet someone else. 

Second Chances in Dating

Image: http://www.eticketent.com

Do you believe in second chances?

Not the type where you mess up badly in life, and you are given another shot to try yourself out again.

I am talking about first dates which are bad, or simply give you the understanding that you don't want to continue...

And then you keep on bumping into the person in different settings and seeing them in a new light...

Do you think your first judgement was wrong? Would you try going out with that person again?

Or do you believe that once you made up your mind, that is it. Nothing can be changed. No means No and there is no turning the wheel back?

Personally, I do believe in second dating chances and at the same time I do not.

Not every person can present their entire selves in one staged two hour slot.
They need time to get comfortable and then open up.
It might be harsh to judge them so quickly.

Yet we do have intuition radars which go off when we know we like something.
It's like instinct.

I guess somewhere in the ideal world there has to be a combination of both.

My friend kept on going out with a guy although every date with him was a complete disaster.
When I asked her why she keeps on going out, she said:
"What, just because we had bad dates I should dump him?!"

Although my initial reaction was to scream at her and say YES!!! IF YOU HAVE MANY BAD DATES, YOU DUMP THE GUY!!!! somewhere, her words reflected the fact that she was willing to give the guy time and that she wasn't judging based on first impressions.

My Big Fat Jewish Family

Image: http://cf1.imgobject.com

I wonder if I'm the only one out there with the Big Fat Jewish Family syndrome.
Where families are kenaine hora, pu-pu-pu, bli ayin hora so big and so close, that every third cousin twice removed, great aunt, and their nephews through marriage feel entitled to know and offer advice on your most personal life and dating experiences.

On the one hand, it is so lovely and valuable to have a family who cares so deeply.

On the other hand, it is nice to take a deep breath once in awhile and to make a choice without having to consider 5,268 opposing and conflicting opinions.

This feeling was brought to a climax after an bad dating incident that happened to me.
I spoke to over twenty, I kid you not, twenty family members in a day, having to tell everyone that I am going to be alright, and yes, they did warn me, and no, I didn't listen, and now I am paying the price....

Recycling Boyfriends

Image: http://rlv.zcache.com

As sad as it is, there is something so comforting about recycling boyfriends. Especially when they are naughty, haughty boys. 

Now don't get me wrong, I didn't suggest a scandalous guy for a friend. 

She went out with him without any involvement on my part. 

It was the same guy from the Falling series and from the Friends confusion situation.

So she comes to my apt for an ice cream, liquor party and she hates the guy. 

And she screams at him. Well, not really at him, because he isn't there. 

She is technically screaming at me. But I don't care. I let her. 

I understand her one thousand percent. 

She is upset he told her they could be friends. 

And I know this, I know the patterns. 

It is scary almost freaky...

But also pretty cool. 

It reaffirms in my head a million times that it had nothing to do with me and all to do with him.

People get over it. It takes time but it happens eventually. 

So what I think is that people who dated the same person and did not end up in marriage should form ex-coalitions and support groups for survivors of Guy X.

Beware: Serial Status Corrector Ahead

Image: http://images.icanhascheezburger.com

I change my gchat status every now and then. 

I put a certain quote as my status and some random guy who was somehow on my gchat status from mass emails commented on the origin of my quote.

I thanked him for his consideration and conversation and asked him if I know who he is. 

We got into a whole intense conversation about the meaning of life and the life of meaning. 

And that was that. 

I put a note in my status thanking him for his input. 

Next day. Friend gchats me. HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT GUY?

I was slightly perplexed. Um, I don't really know him, I said. 

She told me that she dated him for two years and it was one messy complicated story.

I asked her how they met.

She told me that somehow he ended up on her gchat list and commented on her status randomly and then they got into a discussion and eventually ended up in the dating situation.

I started freaking out just listening to this entire conversation.

Turns out there is a serial gchat stalker out there who messes up girls life through statuses.

I heard of Craigslist, chat rooms, even facebook, but this was definitely a new one.