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G-d, you hurt me.
If people remembered how bad pain was after it was over, they would never subject themselves to open up and get hurt again.
If people thought about hangovers when they took their first shot of liquor would they ever swallow?
If people thought of the heartbreak dating causes, would they ever date?
And then I think, would it be better if I didn’t have those four months?
Would it be better if I never felt the closeness, the connection, the potential, the excitement?
As Alfred Lord Tennyson wrote
I hold it true, whete’er befall;
I feel it, when I sorrow most;
‘Tis better to have loved and lost
Than never to have loved at all.
We had what we had and no one will take that away from me.
The experiences are now a part of me.
And somewhere I know this is a blessing in disguise. We all had our concerns.
Somewhere, I know I will be fine. My heart has been broken before and it will probably be broken again.
I have fallen in love before and I will fall in love again.
It is just that at the moment when the pain is most intense, when the heart shatters into a million little pieces, it is pointless to think of the hidden blessings.
I need my time to mourn. I need my time to heal.
My heart is so angry at me. I let it break again.
“But why?” it asks. “Your friends married the first guy they dated. Your friends don’t have multiple long term relationships. Why did you have to do this to me? Why did you put me through this?”
And I apologize to my heart because I am honestly sorry.
I didn’t see this coming. Perhaps that is what makes it more painful in the first place.
I thought that someday I would marry him.
I believed him when he told me he loved me and never met anyone like me and wanted to spend the rest of his life with me.
That is probably why I should be so much more relieved that it is over now.
I don't think I would have ended it on my own.
And if it wasn’t meant to be then it wasn’t meant to be.
On the other hand, I believe in people creating their own destinies;
People choosing their spouses. So fine, Baruch Shepatrani, thanks for taking it out of my hands and resolving this for me.
My family is great.
You all wrote, you called from many different countries.
You all care and that means so much to me.
I know I have a solid supportive family which will get me through this like everything else.
G-d has blessed me with great friends who are also there for me.
At times of death when G-d's judgement is unclear, we say Baruch Dayan Emet.
A relationship that I was a part of died last night, so Blessed be the Righteous Judge.
Thank you.
