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I had a dream.
I was lying in my bed tossing in agony, unable to find my peace. My eyes wouldn't close, my heart would not stop aching. The walls of my room seemed as dark as night itself, the fan blowing reminded me of warplanes flying endlessly, the floor beneath me was a broad field of grey threatening to swallow me up. My thought s gave me no rest.
I looked out the window. The trees were howling in the cold autumn night, the leaves were hanging on to branches for their very lives, some of them losing in the battle and turning red and orange. My heart cried for the leaves. "They will die," I said to myself, "Someday, I will die as well." My heart ached more than life itself. No one could hear me because the wind was so loud. I screamed, "Even when it is all over, and after it all ends, my heart will hurt forever."
The moon was nearly visible through the heavy clouds. As I watched closely, I realized that the clouds were slowly parting, allowing the clear white of the moon to shine through. As if hypnotized, I climbed out of bed and walked towards the window, towards the ray of light and of hope that the moon brought. I stood by the window staring at the night sky. My eyes were as brown as ever, the skin around them was slightly puffy, reflecting my discomfort. My usually dark skin looked pale in the darkness. My white night dress seemed as light as ever gracefully lining the contours of my body.
The light from the moon was approaching me, and soon I was able to see, that it wasn't purely a ray of light coming from the moon, it was an angel. The most beautiful angel ever. He came closer and closer, and as if I were waiting for him this whole time, I opened the window to let him in. He looked gorgeous in his simplicity. His body was of the purest white that ever existed, with the most elegant wings giving him the grace of a bird. His eyes shone with kindness. He sat down next to me. I examined him, looking at his facial features and his body, fascinated by the perfection I had seen. He seemed confident, he was not inquiring. He knew exactly who I was, and all I could see in him was understanding.
--So you know-- I said
--Yes, I do-- He answered in voice that rang as clear as the bells on the coats of the high priest in the temple.
The angel took my hand in his, I felt secure with his fingers tightly but gently wrapped around mine. He stood on the window sill. "Come with me," he said. I followed suit. I held on to him as we took off into the night. We flew for what seemed like hours… All seemed calm. The wind was now gentle and it whispered in my ear as I flew "Go, my love, Go, my love." We passed the most beautiful gardens, with flowers that I had never seen in my life, even in pictures. We passed oceans with water as blue as the throne of majesty, and with waves as strong as they were during the time when there was only water in the world. As the sun rose in its glory with bright fires lining the horizon, the angel started his descent.
I smelled beauty, the flowers. I felt serenity. I knew that this must be the garden of Eden. The angel let go of my hand and asked me: "Is there anything I can do for you, troubled beauty?"
I looked into his eyes and said: "Take my pain away. I do not want to feel anymore pain or hurt ever again."
The angel informed me that my wish could not come free, and I would have to pay joy and love as a price.
I thought for awhile, then I spoke: "I do not want pain, and I do not need love."
The angel smiled. He knew all along that that would be my response. He came over to me and placed his hands by my face, stroking my forehead. I felt his hand move down to my neck, then his hands were reassuringly on my shoulders. I felt safe, and I let him lay me gently on the soft ground. As I lay on my back, he smoothly opened the top of my night shirt to the place above my heart. I didn't talk. As I felt his fingers slide through my chest, I felt my body open up to let him in. He took his graceful fingers and ever so gently took hold of my heart to gently ease it out of my body. I never felt such intensity before. I felt my eyes were stinging, I felt the tears well up in the corner of my eyes and slide down my face touching the corner of my lips. Their taste was salty. "This is the last time I will cry," I thought to myself and I let myself loose. My heart was coming out of my chest and with it all the tears I ever cried, all the laughs I ever laughed. My laughs. They were so loud, so joyful. I watched as one laugh after the other escaped my body and made its way towards heaven in its melodious way. I wondered what will ever happen with my laughs. I bet myself they were so gorgeous, that they must turn into angels like the one next to me… Then I saw the sobs, they were heart wrenching loud sobs, from all the bitterness in my life. As they left me and went towards the sky, I felt lighter and lighter. My cries must turn into demons, which bring evil to the world, I thought.
As the last tear and laugh and emotion fluttered towards G-d, I felt my tears dry. The angel took a shovel filled with burning coals and placed it in the spot where my heart used to be. I screamed. He was burning out my cavity to make sure nothing was left. My last emotion that I thought I hid so well escaped my heart. The time when my Mother and Father made me a surprise birthday party… all the love and happiness I had was leaving. I was sobbing so loud, so much that there was going to be nothing left of me, and then it was all over, I was fine. The angel took a beautiful stone and placed it where my heart used to be. There was the cool calmness of the stone and I felt nothing. I watched as his fingers expertly closed up my chest and I looked down to see my body looking as it always did and I would be pleased if I could feel anything.
The angel looked into my eyes.
--What is your name?--he asked.
--Liba [heart]-- I obliged.
--From now on, your name shall be Shalva [serenity].
He then leaned in, and let his lips touch mine. He kissed me. I fainted.
I awoke in bed in the morning, shut my alarm off and went to work. Everything was all right, everyone was okay, but I was never going to be the same again.
