Something Sweet In the Pain of a Broken Heart

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The sweet part of having a broken heart is realizing that you

1) have a heart
2) have the ability to give it away
3) have the ability to break it

Most importantly, you can hope for your heart to be mended and then broken all over again.

Power To Forgive

I found within me the power and the strength to forgive.

It was only a day ago that I sat alone in my dorm room, head in my hands, sobbing over the blow I suffered, over the pain that I went through. I felt as though this year was just a continuous consequence of painful experiences and I could not take it any more. This time I was not going to forget. This time I was not going to forgive.

I was hurt that those who hurt me were moving on, while I seemed to be stuck in place as if in swamp unable to move forward, unable to let go of the past.

I understood that as a result of my stubbornness I was going to suffer more than anyone else. And yet, the understanding with my head did not help the feeling in my heart. I wanted to forgive, yet I could not.

Being angry at someone means that there is a relationship, even though it is negative. Forgiveness is letting go. It is putting an end to the relationship. Forgiveness is the ultimate closure. It is the ultimate freedom. Although necessary, deaths and endings are inevitably painful.

I would love to someday be so complacent with myself that I would feel no need to hold on. I would have it in me to love...

When I just did not get it

Picture (http://www.dumpeddays.com/wp-images/Getting-Dumped-Lessons-Learned-From-The-Men.jpg)

Relating the experience of a friend in dating (with her permission)

This happened to me when I was still a freshman to the world of dating and I thought in my naiveté that the first guy I date will be my bashert and happiness would start then and there.

I met this guy, let us call him Yaakov. He was okay: pretty smart, decent looks, came from a nice family, he made a joke that made me laugh once in awhile. I forgot to mention the fact that he was nine years older than me. 

Our first date was a tofu date, i.e. it was pareve. I dressed up in the best of my clothes, stood in front of the mirror applying make-up for a good thirty minutes. I straightened my hair until smoke sizzled from my head. I turned off the hair iron for fear of putting off the fire alarm, I wore shoes that I could not really walk in, but they made me feel and look really feminine (wink wink). 

Yaakov picked me up and took me to the mall. Parking near Home Depot, he decided to walk into the store, hoping to access entrance to the larger mall from there. Little did he know that Home Depot is the only store in the entire mall with no entrance to the mall. We spent the first forty minutes walking around that store looking at floor tiles, shower curtains and toilet seats. Needless to say, I felt ridiculous and out of place. I should have been wearing a t-shirt and a denim skirt for such a lovely outing. When we passed a display of carpets, Yaakov asked me what color carpeting my dorm room had. I looked up at the metal tubes in the ceiling and let out a silent cry. "Get me out of here!" I begged noiselessly, "Is this what dating really is??? It is awful." As if picking up on my discomfort, he suggested we leave the store and find another way to enter the mall. What a brilliant young man… Took him only three quarters of an hour to come to his senses. 

The thing is, e wasn't a bad guy, so although the date was mediocre, I agreed to go out again, because I was told that everyone needs a second chance and one date just is not enough.

We went out again, I had a nice time. After the date, Yaakov suggested that we drop the Shadchan. I loved the fact that he was so blunt, and mistakenly thought that he wants to "get serious" with me. I was so flattered that I failed to see anything negative.

After we went out for the third time, I thought that things were getting really serious and I really should not go out with him anymore if we do not go through genetic testing, Dor Yeshorim. I told myself that I would enquire after our next date.

Our next date was okay. We walked around town. There was a slight drizzle. Besides for the fact that I was hungry and tired, I had a pleasant time.

 I am a person that is terrible with directions. After walking for about two hours, I told Yaakov that I am ready to go back. He didn't remember where he left his car, so we started walking around New York City, looking for his car, which looked identical at least to every other car I saw. So we were walking… and walking… and it started raining, and my hair started frizzing, and my feet were hurting, and I was still tired, and still hungry, and we were still walking. Finally, I found the street where Yaakov had parked the car. I was so proud of myself. So we stand by the car and we have this pleasant conversation, and I am waiting for this idiot to open the car because it is raining and I want to go home already!!!! After about twenty minutes of standing there, Yaakov says: "Just by the way, in case you were wandering, this is not my car." I was so embarrassed for judging him prematurely, and he didn't want to make me feel bad so he just didn't move for twenty minutes. I laughed out of helplessness.

Finally, we found the actual car and Yaakov drove me home. As we were approaching the destination, I asked Yaakov to pull over because I wanted to discuss something with him. I was trying to make the genetic question seem as natural as possible. Sensing my discomfort, the so sensitive Yaakov said: "If you do not want to go out with me again, I understand completely." I wanted him to know that that wasn't the case, so I said: "No, Yaakov, I would love to go out again. It is just that, well, I think we should do Dor Yeshorim."

He shifted in his seat. 

--I like you. A lot--he said

"Oh, great," I thought to myself, "so he will do Dor Yeshorim and all will be dandy."

--But-he continued-- I do not think we should go out anymore.

WHAT! I was in shock. He was dumping me. I was getting dumped. So this is what it feels like. He went on to give me advice on how I should date guys and reject everyone I meet and how I am still a great person, and how he knows the market out there, and he isn't nervous for me (well, duh! he is dumping me. Obviously, he isn't nervous for me. All I could think of was the fact that I couldn't read him at all. He gave me the opportunity to say no and I missed it.

I was devastated by the break-up. 

What fascinated me was that everyone I spoke to about this dating experience, perceived it through their own personal dating experiences. 

I called one close friend who married the first girl he ever dated as soon as it was over and burst into tears.

--It's over--I said

--What do you mean, it's over? How could it be over.

I thought of him in fascination. Wow, a person who cannot understand a relationship that does not work out.

I spoke to another friend (also a guy) who rejected every single girl he went out with.

--How are you?--he asked?

--It's over--I said

--Who ended it?

--He did.

--Well, you know--he said,--- it must be very difficult for him to end it, it can't be easy for him. 

All I could do was laugh, because I really did not have it in me to feel bad for this guy who dumped me in such disgrace.

I spoke with my friend who is extremely analytical. She wanted to be my teacher.

"It's over," she said, "well, maybe take his advice to heart. Maybe you just aren't ready." HELLO. Are you my friend or his??? 

Finally, my best friend, who I could rely on for anything ran over to me as soon as she found out about it, threw her hands around me, and called the guy every evil name that was ever muttered under the sun and told me that I would find the absolute best guy for me in the right time.

With time, I started doing the same thing to friends of mine. When people are dumped, they don't want to be questioned. They don't want to be criticized. They want to be loved.

He took my heart and in its place he put a stone

Picture (http://asqfish.wordpress.com/tag/repentance/)

I had a dream. 

I was lying in my bed tossing in agony, unable to find my peace. My eyes wouldn't close, my heart would not stop aching. The walls of my room seemed as dark as night itself, the fan blowing reminded me of warplanes flying endlessly, the floor beneath me was a broad field of grey threatening to swallow me up. My thought s gave me no rest.

I looked out the window. The trees were howling in the cold autumn night, the leaves were hanging on to branches for their very lives, some of them losing in the battle and turning red and orange. My heart cried for the leaves. "They will die," I said to myself, "Someday, I will die as well."  My heart ached more than life itself. No one could hear me because the wind was so loud. I screamed, "Even when it is all over, and after it all ends, my heart will hurt forever." 

The moon was nearly visible through the heavy clouds. As I watched closely, I realized that the clouds were slowly parting, allowing the clear white of the moon to shine through. As  if hypnotized, I climbed out of bed and walked towards the window, towards the ray of light and of hope that the moon brought. I stood by the window staring at the night sky. My eyes were as brown as ever, the skin around them was slightly puffy, reflecting my discomfort. My usually dark skin looked pale in the darkness. My white night dress seemed as light as ever gracefully lining the contours of my body. 

The light from the moon was approaching me, and soon I was able to see, that it wasn't purely a ray of light coming from the moon, it was an angel. The most beautiful angel ever. He came closer and closer, and as if I were waiting for him this whole time, I opened the window to let him in. He looked gorgeous in his simplicity. His body was of the purest white that ever existed, with the most elegant wings giving him the grace of a bird. His eyes shone with kindness. He sat down next to me. I examined him, looking at his facial features and his body, fascinated by the perfection I had seen. He seemed confident, he was not inquiring. He knew exactly who I was, and all I could see in him was understanding. 

--So you know-- I said

--Yes, I do-- He answered in voice that rang as clear as the bells on the coats of the high priest in the temple.

The angel took my hand in his, I felt secure with his fingers tightly but gently wrapped around mine. He stood on the window sill. "Come with me," he said. I followed suit. I held on to him as we took off into the night. We flew for what seemed like hours… All seemed calm. The wind was now gentle and it whispered in my ear as I flew "Go, my love, Go, my love." We passed the most beautiful gardens, with flowers that I had never seen in my life, even in pictures. We passed oceans with water as blue as the throne of majesty, and with waves as strong as they were during the time when there was only water in the world. As the sun rose in its glory with bright fires lining the horizon, the angel started his descent. 

I smelled beauty, the flowers. I felt serenity. I knew that this must be the garden of Eden. The angel let go of my hand and asked me: "Is there anything I can do for you, troubled beauty?"

I looked into his eyes and said: "Take my pain away. I do not want to feel anymore pain or hurt ever again."

The angel informed me that my wish could not come free, and I would have to pay joy and love as a price.

I thought for awhile, then I spoke: "I do not want  pain, and I do not need love."

The angel smiled. He knew all along that that would be my response. He came over to me and placed his hands by my face, stroking my forehead. I felt his hand move down to my neck, then his hands were reassuringly on my shoulders. I felt safe, and I let him lay me gently on the soft ground. As I lay on my back, he smoothly opened the top of my night shirt to the place above my heart. I didn't talk. As I felt his fingers slide through my chest, I felt my body open up to let him in. He took his graceful fingers and ever so gently took hold of my heart to gently ease it out of my body. I never felt such intensity before. I felt my eyes were stinging, I felt the tears well up in the corner of my eyes and slide down my face touching the corner of my lips. Their taste was salty. "This is the last time I will cry," I thought to myself and I let myself loose. My heart was coming out of my chest and with it all the tears I ever cried, all the laughs I ever laughed. My laughs. They were so loud, so joyful. I watched as one laugh after the other escaped my body and made its way towards heaven in its melodious way. I wondered what will ever happen with my laughs. I bet myself they were so gorgeous, that they must turn into angels like the one next to me… Then I saw the sobs, they were heart wrenching loud sobs, from all the bitterness in my life. As they left me and went towards the sky, I felt lighter and lighter. My cries must turn into demons, which bring evil to the world, I thought. 

As the last tear and laugh and emotion fluttered towards G-d, I felt my tears dry. The angel took a shovel filled with burning coals and placed it in the spot where my heart used to be. I screamed. He was burning out my cavity to make sure nothing was left. My last emotion that I thought I hid so well escaped my heart. The time when my Mother and Father made me a surprise birthday party… all the love and happiness  I had was leaving. I was sobbing so loud, so much that there was going to be nothing left of me, and then it was all over, I was fine. The angel took a beautiful stone and placed it where my heart used to be. There was the cool calmness of the stone and I felt nothing. I watched as his fingers expertly closed up my chest and I looked down to see my body looking as it always did and I would be pleased if I could feel anything. 

The angel looked into my eyes.

--What is your name?--he asked.

--Liba [heart]-- I obliged.

--From now on, your name shall be Shalva [serenity].

He then leaned in, and let his lips touch mine. He kissed me. I fainted.

I awoke in bed in the morning, shut my alarm off and went to work. Everything was all right, everyone was okay, but I was never going to be the same again.

Because we are mere human beings

Picture (http://thevinylvillage.files.wordpress.com/2009/10/broken-heart.jpg)

I went out with this guy a few times, nice guy, great qualities, really smart. We had some great conversations… However, some people are great but just not "the ones"… After the third date I spent some time thinking about this guy and whether I should give him another date or not…

After much deliberation, I decided that as wonderful as this human being is, he is not my future husband and happy to have finally found clarity, I dialed the matchmaker.

She picks up the phone and tells me that although the boy liked me very much, he doesn't think this is it. I smiled and taking the mature side, I said, I had a wonderful time and held back my two year old screaming within me: "Na na na kishkish" I was going to say "No" anyways."

I hung up the phone. I am fine, right? It was mutual, the dating was a great experience, etcetera…. We are two great shoes, just not a pair, all of tha wonderful stuff.

And yet, there was that little voice within me saying, what? How could he say no? If I was going to say no, and everything made sense, why was I still upset?

BECAUSE I AM HUMAN! And it is extremely unpleasant to be rejected. For whatever reason.

Shakespeare wrote in Othello: Faint heart never won fair lady.
Dating is not for the faint hearted. One has to be strong, so strong to go out there open up over and over again, reject, get rejected.
Dating is the only way to get from single hood to marriage, so if one doesn't pay the price, one doesn't get the prize…

Be strong, the right one is out there for each and every one of us