Wishful Thinking: Male Female Relationships

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I walked into a room where a young man and woman were in the middle of a cozy conversation in the late hours of the night. They were not dating each other. 

I felt uncomfortable, but they were sweet and invited me to join the conversation. 

The guy asked me the following question which I am now passing on to you. 

"Do you think it is beneficial for a woman to have an emotional and possibly physical relationship with a guy whom she has zero chances of marrying while dating other people?"

I was blown away by the question. Seriously?!

I mean, maybe there is some fringe benefit to having a relationship if you never had one before, but the costs outweigh the benefits by tons, so if someone really needs help, they should go see a therapist.

As it is, in so many relationships people end up breaking up, people should now also get into relationships which will for sure never work out?

And besides, it has to be unhealthy to open up to someone knowing there are no chances at all. Sounds to me like a bunch of messed up cases.

And never while you are dating other guys!

The guy was looking at me as if I'm the most close minded fafrumpte fachneukt that ever existed. He said: "You clearly don't have guy friend who you hang out with a lot one on one."

"I clearly don't", I said. "When I do hang out with someone, it always gets to a point where we have to stop and decide if we are dating or not."

He asked: "And you don't think you can have a relationship with someone you won't end up marrying and truly like them?"

I responded: "That is precisely why people date for a while-because they like each other, and why they break up-because they won't end up marrying each other. That is why break ups hurt so much. Because there is a connection which isn't meant to last."

I have to mention that the guy asking this question was one who is in no position to marry, and all the girls he wants to date would never date him, so there he is, making up theories so that quality girls will have relationships with him. He could "help them" open up emotionally and physically and prepare them for marriage. Uhuh, so much for your wishful thinking, tzaddikel.

What do you think?

Let Me Know Either Way

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I have a theory on dating and it goes like this:

When two people are seeing each other they should let each other know where they are standing.  

I have a friend who kept on going out with this guy for months on end 

and although he liked her and thought she was special, he couldn't bring himself to commit. 

And they kept on going out... and a year passed, and they were still dating and still liking each other and still not moving forward. 

I watched this relationship develop in front of my eyes and somewhere I knew that I would never be in a similar situation. 

Shocker of shockers, I am currently located in a zone of fluctuation where I wake up in the morning having absolutely no clue if I will close the day "in a relationship" or "single".

There is a moment in every relationship where the air begs for a higher level of commitment.

And I ask of him to let me know either way.

To let me know if he's in or if he's out.  

Because any type of definite knowledge is preferable to doubt. 

The Plain Truth

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It was a hot day. The conference had just ended and I was exhausted. My jacket was smothering me. I needed to breathe some fresh air. I had no plans for the evening so I decided to take my time. Instead of walking on the streets, I entered Central park hoping to emerge on the other side.

I followed the paths intertwined with ponds, trees. I lost myself in the heat, the vastness of the clear blue sky, the statues, the yoga classes taking place somewhere in the distance.

It did not take long for me to realize I didn’t know where I was.

I kept on wondering through the park the shirt glued to my back. I was exhausted from the heat, from the day, from it all. I put one foot in front of the other, in the back of my head looking for an exit. For heavens sake, this wasn’t a forest I was lost in, but a regular park with people all over.

I took a double take when I saw him. Perhaps I was hallucinating in this desert called Central Park already. But no, there he was as real as ever. He was just as I remembered him, tall, slim, thoughtful. His dark eyes pierced the air in front of them.

My first thought was to run away, to walk in the opposite direction. Then I realized that it was my park as much as his and I couldn’t spend eternity running away. I had to take what life gave me.

He saw me. Our eyes met. I saw no hesitation on his face. No looking for escape. It seemed our paths would cross.

When we reached each other I nodded. “Hi,” he said and turned to walk with me. I didn’t feel like being polite. All the psychological shenanigans of being nice and not being vulnerable fell away. It was too late for that. I had already opened up and been consumed by the fire. All that was left was the simple truth.

“You hurt me.”  I stated. He didn’t respond. Somehow, his confident stride beside me made me feel reassured in some way.

I had no idea what the silence meant. “What is this?” I asked. “Why aren’t you saying anything? Why are you pretending as if nothing ever happened?”

I was so frustrated. “I am lost,” I blurted and burst out crying.

He asked me where I was headed and kindly walked me to the exit I was looking for.

I paused and looked at him expecting him to say something that would make it all better. It isn’t what you think it is, it was hard for me too, let’s try again, even I am sorry it was painful for you. But he said nothing.

I nodded and walked away.  

Detonating the YUConnects Bomb

Image: http://www.yu.edu/

Once upon a time, I logged onto YUConnects. I had received an email.

You have received new mail, regarding a potential match for you. Please login at YUConnects and Click on "My Mails" to read the message.
I click on the website. I review the profile. Sounds nicer than the ninety guys suggested to me previously. I figured out how YUConnects works. Connectors suggest scores of young (or not such young) men who are as far from Shayach from me as I am from the moon and the first semi-normal guy that comes along will capture my heart in one split second.

So this was a case of a semi-normal guy and I clicked accept.

Two minutes later my phone rang. I thought it was the Shadchan from the date I had that night which was DUA (Dead Upon Arrival). It wasn’t the Shadchan. It was the guy from YUConnects.
I didn’t realize that by clicking the ACCEPT button, I was in fact detonating a bomb, and the world went off. Lights started flashing, sirens wailing and my phone started ringing.

I picked up. We had a conversation.
I logged onto YUConnects once again to report match progress. I looked at the options. There was

-Phone # Sent
-Dating
-Closed
-Engaged

I looked at the options. Although I would usually click phone number sent, the layout of options made my pupils dilate. I had so much power in the tips of my finger. One click could change worlds and my previous online activity had proved it. I, in the comfort of my own room, had the power to change my dating status.

I had been dating. And let us say that I have experienced things more pleasant in my life than that. And I thought: to *** with the process, let’s just get to the goal. And didn’t a wise man once say: the end justifies the means.

My chest pounding, my breathing rapid, my hands shaking I clicked on the ENGAGED button. I would deal with consequences later. For now, I was engaged.

*** Disclaimer (Borrowed from Rabbi B. Wein): All the stories I tell are true, some of them haven't happened yet.

Dating Israel

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I am not Charedi. But I am not not Charedi either.
I value learning tremendously.

To put it frankly, I go out with various "types".

This one time a close relative of mine tried to set me up with a close friend of his.
It was a match that was made in heaven.
The idea was born over a year ago, but I was seriously involved with my then fiance.
But then I was no longer engaged, but then the guy got engaged.
But then, he broke his engagement. So when we were finally both available and interested in meeting, a substantial amount of time had elapsed and the hopes were placed high.

We went out. And he was Israeli. And he was Charedi. And he spoke for three hours straight. And I smiled. And it was bad.
Of course he wanted to go out with me again. I was just so sweet and quiet and irresistible.
I did not want to go out again but since it was such a close friend of a close friend, and since he was probably so nervous or so smitten or whatever it was, I gave it another shot.
Not bad.

We went out again. The date was six hours long. I am not a six hour date type of girl. I prefer coffee, hello and good-bye type of dates. Not eat, drink, walk, run, swim type of dates. This was crazy because we were so different and because I do not like to be in touch through the Shadchan after a third date (or even a second one but I didn't think he could handle that).

But I thought about it. And I said yes to a fourth date.
And then I heard his answer: "I like her, but we are both leaving (this was right before Passover) so let us date whoever comes up and if upon return we are both available, we'll go out again."


EXCUSE ME. Just date everyone you like and see if we're available. Are you totally out of your flipping mind? Do you really think you will meet a girl out there who can come close to me?

I was fuming. Absolutely fuming.

He called erev yom tov. I picked up the phone. He asked for my relative.
Guy: Hi, is X there?
Me: No, he is out now. Who is this?
Guy: This is guy.
Me: Oh, Hi Guy, this is Me.
Guy: Oh hi, it is just that X called me and I am calling him back.
Me: Ok, but this is Me (!!)
Guy: But I thought that this was X's private number
Me: Listen, it is not his private number. (Will you please acknowledge that I am on the phone and stop stammering and find the guts to say hello how are you?)

Understanding somewhere in my deep subconscious levels that this was disinterest at its worst, and  an non-existent ability to communicate at its best and trying to process it in my crazy mind I plunged for the gold.

Me: I must tell you, I was surprised that you did not want to go out with me after our last date (Six Hours for G-d's sake. Who does that?)
Guy: Ok.
Me: Ok?
Guy: Ok.
Me: Ok.

and as they say: Have a good Yom Tov.

The Predate Date

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So here I am, it's just another night, I'm checking my e-mail for the last time before I go to bed as if waiting to hear from some phenomenally important person at two am, when suddenly my inbox announces in its bold way that I have received a new mail. You guessed it. From YuConnects, regarding a potential new match for you. And since I follow orders in sync with my obedient nature, I comply with the e-mail and log into Yuconnects and leave the virtue of sleep for another time.

This sounds exciting. I know the shadchan quite well. A friend of mine recommended him. Not bad, I say to myself. And then I log on to see his profile. I almost fainted. Besides for the fact that he looks like a terrorist, and his primary picture has him holding a baby with his tongue sticking out of his lovely mouth, the information about him was completely unappealing to me.

I was dumbfounded. How could two people who I thought “got me” suggest someone who is so out of the ballpark?

I can't think about it today. I'll think about it tomorrow.

I went to sleep. With a mission.

The next morning I called the matchmaker to find out why she set us up.

She thinks for a minute and says: well, he prays three times a day.

I sit there silently, painfully waiting for her to continue listing the reasons she set us up. However, she does not. Deadly silence.

Ok, I say, I will just marry him now then. He prays three times a day. Must be my husband.

Of course I do not say that. I say: I heard he will be at an event tonight. Perhaps I can meet him for a few minutes informally and see if there is any potential.

Oh, what a great idea. I am so glad that the Shadchan and I agree on one thing and I set out about my day.

I show up to the event two hours late because I was travelling from across town. It is raining outside and my hair is still wet, I am wearing rain boots and a denim skirt. Not exactly date attire.

I come up and he is about to leave. I run over from behind. I made it! I think to myself with excitement and grant the young man with one of my generous smiles.

I introduce myself. He smiles. I could see the words SHE LOOKED DIFFERENT IN HER PROFILE PIC running through his mind.

We talk. Not bad. He looks better than a drug addict who is holding a baby and is about to blow up a plane in real life. That is a relief.

He offers to talk in the lounge. I agree. Bad move. As we are crossing the street we pass a guy I dated back in the day. He knows the guy. Awkward smile.

We keep on walking and talking. And suddenly this guy I know screams my name out in the friendliest tone of voice. How could I not respond? I shriek back. Hi! How are you? It has been ages!

And the only thing that comes to my brilliant mind at that moment is:

I have your socks!

Now do not think I am crazy. He stayed over by a friend of mine and forgot his socks and she washed them and asked me to return them to him.

The guy I was on this predate with almost fainted. I smiled and pretended nothing ever happened.

We enter the lounge, sit down, continue discussing our life long history, philosophy, passion for religion...when suddenly I hear someone from behind scream my name out really loud followed by a “WHAS UP Girl?”. I turn around to see my ex-fiance there. I stumble for the right words and come up with none.

I wait a minute and ask the guy to remind me what we were discussing before this friendly intrusion.

He looks at me with total awe and says: “How do you know all these people?”

I wave my hand and say: “You don't want to know.” Trust me, he did not want to know.

Now this guy was a true gentleman and he insisted on taking me home. As we approached my building the topic of Poskim came up. So who is your posek. I ask.

Rav Ovadiah, he responds.

So no sheitel for your wife? I ask.

No sheitel for my wife.

Nice meeting you. Good night.

Just in case you were wondering, we did not get married.  

Starbucks Venti Dates

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In a small Starbucks on a quiet day in December, I was sitting with my Venti Latte working on some financial reports I had to submit that week. I was finding a hard time concentrating. Every so often, I would lift my head and browse the scenery around me. What I loved about Starbucks was that it was extremely reliable. No matter where you are, no matter what you do, you can rely for Starbucks to be there with that boring Beige wallpaper, the shot of caramel and the same size cups. Every time in my life I was tired of surprises and changes, every time that I desired stability, I would go to Starbucks to calm the storm within me.


At the table across from me was a lovely girl. She looked exactly like my sister. She had long black hair that looked like it was recently cut short. She was studying intently. She was focusing. Therefore, she did not see that I was staring at her. After about two minutes, someone passed by, coughed and winked at me. I snapped out of my stare. I did not know what came over me. I did not do this. This was not me.

I itched my chin; I did not shave that morning so there was some stubble, but it looked cute. I had to get back to my work. I wrote numbers down one after the other but every few minutes I could not help but look at the beauty across from me.

And then it happened. She looked up. Her eyes met mine. She had eyes that were as sharp as an eagles. Our eyes locked for a moment and then she got back to work. I saw her smiling.

I came over to her. I asked her for her name. We chatted. I asked if she would mind giving me her number. She looked for a paper, tore one off from her sheet. She scribbled down a number. I could not believe I was doing this. I thanked her, packed up my stuff and walked out of Starbucks. I would have to take care elsewhere.

I waited a day so as not to seem anxious, but truth be told I could not get her out of my mind. At eight seventeen PM I dialed the number. I stood by the mirror trying out different voices. I had to sound cool and mature at the same time.

The phone was ringing. I heard a female voice. "Kathy?" I asked.
--Yes?--she replied.
My voice was shaking. Shoot. I grabbed the door handle and took a breath.
--Um, I am calling to see if you would like to have coffee with me?
--Starbucks?--she laughed.
I chuckled. Good one.
--We set a time and place and hung up the phone.

I put on a sweater. This time I shaved. I put some aftershave in my hands and slapped my cheeks with it. My face burnt, that is how close my shave was. I was wearing a pair of dark slacks and loafers.

I sat at the designated spot. Kathy was nowhere to be found. About fifteen minutes later, a middle-aged woman who had been sitting by the window looking out approached me.
--Are you Bill?-- she asked.
Her voice sounded familiar.
--Yes?
--Hi,- she said and stretched her arm out.--I am Kathy. I was not expecting you to look so young.
I sat there in silence keeping my jaw from dropping. Somehow I took her hand.
I bought her a coffee. I think she had a nice time. Next time I was going to take out women within two decades of my age. That was for sure.

That girl. No wonder I never asked girls for numbers before. I would never do it again.

The Prison Date

Image: http://www.gemworld.com/ 

The Shadchan called me. I was not busy so I picked up. I could hear the excitement in her voice as she spoke. "I got a YES for you! A guy said YES!" 

I was stunned. I asked her to tell me more about the young man. She told me how smart he is, how kind, how sweet he is to the elderly, how good looking he is. 

I agreed to go out with him. 

--There is a catch,-- she said before hanging up. 

--What is it?--I asked?

--You will have to pick him up, he won't get you.

It sounded strange to me, but I figured why not give it  a try. 

I scribbled down the address on the corner of a paper I grabbed from the shelf and set about my own business. 

The date of the date arrived. I did my usual: blow dried my hair, applied some make-up (the days when I actually used to spend the day fretting in front of the mirror were over. It has been one guy too many), put on my first date outfit, yes, I had one and got in the car to pick up my date. 

Although I was getting the guy, I did not feel like a feminist, I just feet intrigued by this experienced. 

I set the GPS to the required address, turned on the radio. The song that was playing was "Grenade" by Bruno Mars. I hummed along as I sang "I'd catch a grenade for you, I'd take a bullet straight through my brain for you…You know I'do anything for you."

The scenery in front of me was beautiful. The endless sky and empty fields in front of me stretching lazily for miles ahead of me. I wondered why I never saw this beauty before. 

An hour later the GPS proclaimed in that annoying tone of voice that I have arrived at my destination. All I saw in front of me was a tall brick building. I do not understand how I missed the barbed wire and watch towers surrounding me. I walked up to the gate. There was a guard, I thought of running back. But some curiosity made me walk forward. The guard asked me for my ID. He gave a look, as if he had been expecting me. 

Another guard of stocky build and with greasy hair asked me to follow him. I was not going to argue. I wanted to make sure he knew I was not a prisoner. He did not put handcuffs on my hands so I was okay after all.

I walked into a large room, the walls were painted an ugly green that reminded me of Colgate toothpaste. It was extremely hot and I felt my fingers bloating. I was so hot, my hair was sticking to my face. 

And then he walked in. He was so beautiful in his striped suit. His hair was gelled back with his spit probably. I had decided that I did enough work and would leave the work of breaking the ice up to him.

--Hi Tania,--He smiled.

I searched his mouth for teeth but I could not find any. 

I smiled back but then I felt bad that I had teeth while he did not, so I gave him the best close lip smile I could produce. 

--Hi, I replied.

He just smiled.

I would have offered a drink or something, but I was on his territory, and besides I did not know how I would be able to pass the drink through the bars. 

The silence was long awkward.

--So, do you date like this often?--he asked.

I laughed. Quietly at first, then I broke into hysterics. I was laughing hard, weird noises, those of no shame. I was protected. My date was behind bars. 

Soon he was laughing along with me and the ice was broken.

--How long has it been since you live here?--I asked

--Three years,-he said,-- I am used to it here, I learned the ropes.

--And when you get married, how is that going to work?--I asked.

He was surprised. 

Shoot, I thought to myself, I was misleading him.

--Oh, I am asking in a theoretical sense only.

He smiled. 

I spent two hours speaking with this intriguing person. 

I walked out the door. The guard smiled. I smiled back.

The sun was setting as i was driving home. The Shadchan called me again. "Nu?" She nudged. 

I could not get the smile off my face: "This was definitely the most original date I had in my entire life."

She told me that she would only be able to find out if he wanted to go out with me the following week because he exhausted his phone call of the week already.

I thanked her so much and told her not to worry.

Somehow, although there was nothing I could point to, I had a gut feeling this match was not 'gonna happen'.

This story entertained my imagination last night.

He took my heart and in its place he put a stone

Picture (http://asqfish.wordpress.com/tag/repentance/)

I had a dream. 

I was lying in my bed tossing in agony, unable to find my peace. My eyes wouldn't close, my heart would not stop aching. The walls of my room seemed as dark as night itself, the fan blowing reminded me of warplanes flying endlessly, the floor beneath me was a broad field of grey threatening to swallow me up. My thought s gave me no rest.

I looked out the window. The trees were howling in the cold autumn night, the leaves were hanging on to branches for their very lives, some of them losing in the battle and turning red and orange. My heart cried for the leaves. "They will die," I said to myself, "Someday, I will die as well."  My heart ached more than life itself. No one could hear me because the wind was so loud. I screamed, "Even when it is all over, and after it all ends, my heart will hurt forever." 

The moon was nearly visible through the heavy clouds. As I watched closely, I realized that the clouds were slowly parting, allowing the clear white of the moon to shine through. As  if hypnotized, I climbed out of bed and walked towards the window, towards the ray of light and of hope that the moon brought. I stood by the window staring at the night sky. My eyes were as brown as ever, the skin around them was slightly puffy, reflecting my discomfort. My usually dark skin looked pale in the darkness. My white night dress seemed as light as ever gracefully lining the contours of my body. 

The light from the moon was approaching me, and soon I was able to see, that it wasn't purely a ray of light coming from the moon, it was an angel. The most beautiful angel ever. He came closer and closer, and as if I were waiting for him this whole time, I opened the window to let him in. He looked gorgeous in his simplicity. His body was of the purest white that ever existed, with the most elegant wings giving him the grace of a bird. His eyes shone with kindness. He sat down next to me. I examined him, looking at his facial features and his body, fascinated by the perfection I had seen. He seemed confident, he was not inquiring. He knew exactly who I was, and all I could see in him was understanding. 

--So you know-- I said

--Yes, I do-- He answered in voice that rang as clear as the bells on the coats of the high priest in the temple.

The angel took my hand in his, I felt secure with his fingers tightly but gently wrapped around mine. He stood on the window sill. "Come with me," he said. I followed suit. I held on to him as we took off into the night. We flew for what seemed like hours… All seemed calm. The wind was now gentle and it whispered in my ear as I flew "Go, my love, Go, my love." We passed the most beautiful gardens, with flowers that I had never seen in my life, even in pictures. We passed oceans with water as blue as the throne of majesty, and with waves as strong as they were during the time when there was only water in the world. As the sun rose in its glory with bright fires lining the horizon, the angel started his descent. 

I smelled beauty, the flowers. I felt serenity. I knew that this must be the garden of Eden. The angel let go of my hand and asked me: "Is there anything I can do for you, troubled beauty?"

I looked into his eyes and said: "Take my pain away. I do not want to feel anymore pain or hurt ever again."

The angel informed me that my wish could not come free, and I would have to pay joy and love as a price.

I thought for awhile, then I spoke: "I do not want  pain, and I do not need love."

The angel smiled. He knew all along that that would be my response. He came over to me and placed his hands by my face, stroking my forehead. I felt his hand move down to my neck, then his hands were reassuringly on my shoulders. I felt safe, and I let him lay me gently on the soft ground. As I lay on my back, he smoothly opened the top of my night shirt to the place above my heart. I didn't talk. As I felt his fingers slide through my chest, I felt my body open up to let him in. He took his graceful fingers and ever so gently took hold of my heart to gently ease it out of my body. I never felt such intensity before. I felt my eyes were stinging, I felt the tears well up in the corner of my eyes and slide down my face touching the corner of my lips. Their taste was salty. "This is the last time I will cry," I thought to myself and I let myself loose. My heart was coming out of my chest and with it all the tears I ever cried, all the laughs I ever laughed. My laughs. They were so loud, so joyful. I watched as one laugh after the other escaped my body and made its way towards heaven in its melodious way. I wondered what will ever happen with my laughs. I bet myself they were so gorgeous, that they must turn into angels like the one next to me… Then I saw the sobs, they were heart wrenching loud sobs, from all the bitterness in my life. As they left me and went towards the sky, I felt lighter and lighter. My cries must turn into demons, which bring evil to the world, I thought. 

As the last tear and laugh and emotion fluttered towards G-d, I felt my tears dry. The angel took a shovel filled with burning coals and placed it in the spot where my heart used to be. I screamed. He was burning out my cavity to make sure nothing was left. My last emotion that I thought I hid so well escaped my heart. The time when my Mother and Father made me a surprise birthday party… all the love and happiness  I had was leaving. I was sobbing so loud, so much that there was going to be nothing left of me, and then it was all over, I was fine. The angel took a beautiful stone and placed it where my heart used to be. There was the cool calmness of the stone and I felt nothing. I watched as his fingers expertly closed up my chest and I looked down to see my body looking as it always did and I would be pleased if I could feel anything. 

The angel looked into my eyes.

--What is your name?--he asked.

--Liba [heart]-- I obliged.

--From now on, your name shall be Shalva [serenity].

He then leaned in, and let his lips touch mine. He kissed me. I fainted.

I awoke in bed in the morning, shut my alarm off and went to work. Everything was all right, everyone was okay, but I was never going to be the same again.