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Relating the experience of a friend in dating (with her permission)
This happened to me when I was still a freshman to the world of dating and I thought in my naiveté that the first guy I date will be my bashert and happiness would start then and there.
I met this guy, let us call him Yaakov. He was okay: pretty smart, decent looks, came from a nice family, he made a joke that made me laugh once in awhile. I forgot to mention the fact that he was nine years older than me.
Our first date was a tofu date, i.e. it was pareve. I dressed up in the best of my clothes, stood in front of the mirror applying make-up for a good thirty minutes. I straightened my hair until smoke sizzled from my head. I turned off the hair iron for fear of putting off the fire alarm, I wore shoes that I could not really walk in, but they made me feel and look really feminine (wink wink).
Yaakov picked me up and took me to the mall. Parking near Home Depot, he decided to walk into the store, hoping to access entrance to the larger mall from there. Little did he know that Home Depot is the only store in the entire mall with no entrance to the mall. We spent the first forty minutes walking around that store looking at floor tiles, shower curtains and toilet seats. Needless to say, I felt ridiculous and out of place. I should have been wearing a t-shirt and a denim skirt for such a lovely outing. When we passed a display of carpets, Yaakov asked me what color carpeting my dorm room had. I looked up at the metal tubes in the ceiling and let out a silent cry. "Get me out of here!" I begged noiselessly, "Is this what dating really is??? It is awful." As if picking up on my discomfort, he suggested we leave the store and find another way to enter the mall. What a brilliant young man… Took him only three quarters of an hour to come to his senses.
The thing is, e wasn't a bad guy, so although the date was mediocre, I agreed to go out again, because I was told that everyone needs a second chance and one date just is not enough.
We went out again, I had a nice time. After the date, Yaakov suggested that we drop the Shadchan. I loved the fact that he was so blunt, and mistakenly thought that he wants to "get serious" with me. I was so flattered that I failed to see anything negative.
After we went out for the third time, I thought that things were getting really serious and I really should not go out with him anymore if we do not go through genetic testing, Dor Yeshorim. I told myself that I would enquire after our next date.
Our next date was okay. We walked around town. There was a slight drizzle. Besides for the fact that I was hungry and tired, I had a pleasant time.
I am a person that is terrible with directions. After walking for about two hours, I told Yaakov that I am ready to go back. He didn't remember where he left his car, so we started walking around New York City, looking for his car, which looked identical at least to every other car I saw. So we were walking… and walking… and it started raining, and my hair started frizzing, and my feet were hurting, and I was still tired, and still hungry, and we were still walking. Finally, I found the street where Yaakov had parked the car. I was so proud of myself. So we stand by the car and we have this pleasant conversation, and I am waiting for this idiot to open the car because it is raining and I want to go home already!!!! After about twenty minutes of standing there, Yaakov says: "Just by the way, in case you were wandering, this is not my car." I was so embarrassed for judging him prematurely, and he didn't want to make me feel bad so he just didn't move for twenty minutes. I laughed out of helplessness.
Finally, we found the actual car and Yaakov drove me home. As we were approaching the destination, I asked Yaakov to pull over because I wanted to discuss something with him. I was trying to make the genetic question seem as natural as possible. Sensing my discomfort, the so sensitive Yaakov said: "If you do not want to go out with me again, I understand completely." I wanted him to know that that wasn't the case, so I said: "No, Yaakov, I would love to go out again. It is just that, well, I think we should do Dor Yeshorim."
He shifted in his seat.
--I like you. A lot--he said
"Oh, great," I thought to myself, "so he will do Dor Yeshorim and all will be dandy."
--But-he continued-- I do not think we should go out anymore.
WHAT! I was in shock. He was dumping me. I was getting dumped. So this is what it feels like. He went on to give me advice on how I should date guys and reject everyone I meet and how I am still a great person, and how he knows the market out there, and he isn't nervous for me (well, duh! he is dumping me. Obviously, he isn't nervous for me. All I could think of was the fact that I couldn't read him at all. He gave me the opportunity to say no and I missed it.
I was devastated by the break-up.
What fascinated me was that everyone I spoke to about this dating experience, perceived it through their own personal dating experiences.
I called one close friend who married the first girl he ever dated as soon as it was over and burst into tears.
--It's over--I said
--What do you mean, it's over? How could it be over.
I thought of him in fascination. Wow, a person who cannot understand a relationship that does not work out.
I spoke to another friend (also a guy) who rejected every single girl he went out with.
--How are you?--he asked?
--It's over--I said
--Who ended it?
--He did.
--Well, you know--he said,--- it must be very difficult for him to end it, it can't be easy for him.
All I could do was laugh, because I really did not have it in me to feel bad for this guy who dumped me in such disgrace.
I spoke with my friend who is extremely analytical. She wanted to be my teacher.
"It's over," she said, "well, maybe take his advice to heart. Maybe you just aren't ready." HELLO. Are you my friend or his???
Finally, my best friend, who I could rely on for anything ran over to me as soon as she found out about it, threw her hands around me, and called the guy every evil name that was ever muttered under the sun and told me that I would find the absolute best guy for me in the right time.
With time, I started doing the same thing to friends of mine. When people are dumped, they don't want to be questioned. They don't want to be criticized. They want to be loved.
