Guest Post: Untouched

Image: http://www.freewebs.com

My friend wrote this poem in the subway coming back from yet another date with yet another great guy who sounded really awesome but where things just didn't click. Sometimes I wonder what's worse--to have been in love, to have experienced its magic, but also the pain that comes with a broken heart? Or is it more painful to feel untouched by the great experience that is love?

I say I want to fall in love.

I want it all--the fairy tale ending, the tall dark and handsome (and intelligent and responsible and sensitive and progressive and successful) prince to sweep me off my feet. I want to hear romantic music in every thought, to think of my beloved with every heartbeat.To be thought of just as frequently. I want easy uncomplicated passion, long walks by the beach, shared goals and values. I want overflowing laughter, glittering eyes, holding hands, picture perfect moments. I want  to be one with another, to experience a harmonious union of two minds, bodies and souls. I want happily ever after, forever and for always, everlasting love, beauty and youth. I want to fall in love.

But I dream to be in love. 

To experience love as a verb that must be applied with full intentionality, human passion and vulnerability. To work on loving someone who is different than me. Someone who's not perfect--and for whom I'm not perfect--but who inspires me to think of perfection. I want the heartache and pain and disappointment that come when you care too much. The anger, the fights and the tears that mean you give a damn. I want to be faced with receding hairlines and growing waistlines. I even want to worry about looking too fat or too old for someone, because it means his opinion matters. I want the passionless routine everyday acts of washing dishes, changing diapers and paying mortgages with someone else. I want to communicate silently, through lowered lids and half gestures, with someone who knows me nearly as well as I think I do myself. 

Guest Post: Misleading Females

Image: http://www.youthblog.org

There have been many posts written about the “misleading male” which makes it seem like he enjoys the first date, and then says no to a second one. What bloggers rarely mention is the misleading female. I do not write this as one who has gone through this phenomena, but as one who has witnessed it from the side. Whether with friends or siblings, I have seen the misleading female at work many a time. 

The root of the issue is the simple difference in mindset between males and their female counterparts. Things are interpreted to very differently. It is a major source of problems, amongst them “the misleading male”. I believe that many a time the female simply does not properly “read” the male whom she is on a date with. But I regress… Females often times do not realize what that men understand friendship in a very different way. The average male will not text his best buddy, and walk him through every step of his day. A female on the other hand would. Therefore, what often happens in ‘coed’ friendships is the misinterpretation of messages. The female who chats with her male friend every single time he comes online is sending him a misleading message. The female who texts minute by minute updates of her day, is sending her male friend a misleading message.

Although for her, chatting with him and texting him in such a way is often simply being friendly, treating him as she would a close female friend of hers, for the male it has a very different message. It means that she wants more than just a plain friendship.  It is something which I have seen occur time and time again. The male then ‘makes a move’, or says something which he thinks is fully appropriate, based on the fact that they have been chatting with each other two hours nightly for six months, and she freaks out; “OMG, he’s coming onto me!”.  It is something which females need to become more aware of, males understand such affection in a very different way than females do. It is just the way we are “designed”. So next time you chat with your guy- friend, please keep that in mind!

5 Things Women Must Know About Men

Image: http://www.freakingnews.com

Okay. So we all heard that Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus. 
I asked Ish Yehudi if this is true and he told me that indeed it is true.
He responded with the BIG 5 every woman should know about men.

1)  Men are different than women. Different, as in, not exactly the same (this has nothing to do with having valuing men and women equally). Don't expect him to think, feel or react like you. Which means, by the way, that if you want to build connections, there may be different ways that women and men build them. For example, many women really enjoy talking, whereas many men just like to spend time together (and perhaps engage in activities together), which may not be as important in building connections (for him) as having long, detailed, personal conversations about everything (which may be important to you). What makes guys best buds and women the closest of girlfriends often isn't the same thing. So when you take one of each, why would you expect the connections to be built just one way or the other? It takes work to connect with the other person in ways that they really connect to the world around them. In a certain sense, that's the essence of a relationship/marriage. 

2) Never, ever, ever frocefully take the "leadership reins" from him (which is different than being assertive or leading in particular areas where you have expertise/experience). Even if he seems like he doesn't have a plan or doesn't know what he is doing (or seems incompetent), taking charge can communicate a lack of trust, admiration or valuing him. Men tend to think in terms of a pecking order, or a hierarchy, and so taking charge, telling (commanding) him what to do, or doing something instead of allowing him to take the reigns may feel emasculating and/or insulting. If you can express or show confidence on his ability to make good decisions, take the lead, make plans, etc. it can be much more supportive of him (and his manhood), thereby encouraging him to do so (and making him feel more manly in the process). Along with that, of course, is the art of making suggestions. I still find it interesting that many women will freely offer suggestions to one another, but then when it comes to their significant other, they're barking orders. It's comparable to the way y'all want us to be supportive of your feelings, to listen and encourage and create a comfortable atmosphere so that you can express them (without fear of being rejected or put down for them). Most of the time, women really DON'T want to be told what to do, or how to fix it... which is, in many ways, similar.  If he has trouble or doesn't take to leadership well initially, he can learn... or, if you're not feeling it, let him go. And isn't it attractive when a man takes leadership anyways? 

3) Many guys are not taught how to take responsibility in relationships, and it may seem "easier" for him to avoid, especially when the potential for hurt is present. Whether that's his own pain or the potential to cause any pain to you, because of deep social conditioning he may rationalize ways to avoid breaking up or having conversations that bring up pain. If he doesn't call, it's not because of you, it's a reflection of him. I think it's unfortunate, and some guys just need to be shown that a woman's emotions (or his own) don't spell doom. I can't count the number of times I was told to "be nice" to avoid arguments/frustration/pain instead of being empathetic and understanding. I believe men can learn the difference, but they may need some guidance. 

4) Guys have this tendency to need space if/when they feel like they're getting really close with a woman. It's the way they deal with the sense of losing themselves that can come with attraction/infatuation/love. Being patient and waiting a short time for him to rediscover himself and how much he likes you is much better than clinging to him, badgering him or pushing him away. 

5) The absolute worst thing you can do in dating is criticizing or minimizing a guy's dreams or passions. Generally any kind of criticism can feel like it tears away at his value, especially regarding his achievements (work, school, etc). In the long term, a woman who is critical or expresses herself in ways that put him down is termed a "nag," and that's one of the most difficult things for a man to live with. Think of it this way if you must, every time a woman criticizes or devalues any of a man's achievements or goals, it is to him as hurtful as when a man tears away and criticizes the core of who she is and how she values herself. In simpler terms, it's worse for a guy than calling a woman fat or ugly. Conversely, if she expresses admiration and appreciation in those things... it's fantastic. 


Basically, Ish clarified a bunch of things for me. Because of what I read above, all my doubts and confusions were resolved. 
Next time a guy doesn't call, I will know with certainty that he either likes me or he doesn't.
Amazing. Thanks friend (you know who you are and I assume you'd like to remain anonymous)


Since I am a woman, I would like to know from the men out there if this is accurate or if this is specific to Ish alone. 

Guest Post: Call Him Up

Image: http://www.justsayitwithcards.com

I keep on pestering friends to write guest posts for my blog, and finally today, my friend X (you chose that pseudonym yourself) wrote a blog I am happily sharing with you.

GUEST POST:

I hate the feeling of helplessness that comes when I like a guy but can’t do anything about it. 

I met Gabe at a conference a couple of weeks ago. He wasn’t cute, but he was confident and smart and funny and for me that makes a guy attractive. We ended up spending a lot of time together discussing topics from ideals, life-goals, religion, philosophy and literature. I started to really really like him. 

When the conference ended we parted ways. “It was so nice to meet you,” Gabe said with a smile and a hand-wave as he got into his cab. “Be in touch.” Watching him leave gave me such a frustrating feeling. I was feeling emotionally connected to a guy who I might not see again for months. 

The days following the conference I kept hearing about different guys as suggestions for me to date. But I kept comparing them all to Gabe and finding them lacking. They were not as idealistic, as good, as funny, as interested in what I had to say. 

I mentioned my growing obsession with Gabe to a couple of friends who looked at me pityingly and told me it will pass with time. One friend though, told me to pick up the phone and ask him out. “What do you have to lose? The worst thing that can happen is that you’ll get rejected and even then you’ll get him out of your head and be able to move on to other people,” she said.

I consider myself an independent and confident woman. I am successful, intelligent and very capable. I have given speeches in front of over a 1,000 people. But the thought of calling a guy and asking him out was absolutely terrifying. What would I say? What if he says no? What if he says no and then I see him again? I started thinking about guys I know and how difficult it is to ask a girl out. Rejection isn’t fun for anyone. 

The fact that I was giving him power over my mind and emotions made me decide to call him. I received some pep talks from friends, got his number from a mutual acquaintance and prepared to call him. 

“Hi Gabe, It’s X calling. We met at Y last week--how are you?”

--I think I sounded normal but I was ridiculously nervous--

“Hi! It’s so nice to hear from you,” he answered. “What’s going on?”

We did the small talk routine for a couple of minutes and caught up on our lives since we last saw each other. Then, that awkward silence that asks the caller to explain the reason for the call became loud and clear. 

“I don’t usually do this,” I said. “But I had a really nice time getting to know you last week and was wondering if you want to go out with me.” 

--------

“That would actually be really nice!”, he said. 

YESYESYESYESYESYESYES!!!!!

After we got off the phone I couldn't stop smiling. It wasn’t that I was crazy excited for a date with Gabe--it was that I had taken control of my feelings for a guy and done something about it. I did not allow myself to be dependant on him deciding to ask me out or not. And if he would have said no--yes, I would have been seriously upset. But then I would have gotten over Gabe, known that it would never work out and move on to better things. 

After we went out we realized we really weren’t for each other. We hit it off really well as friends but not in a date. I’m still happy though. Th euphoria that came with the realization that I don’t have to stay helpless waiting for the phone to ring has been absolutely liberating. When I mentioned this to some girlfriends they've looked at me as if I have just gone into battle without an armor. "You are so brave! I wish I could do it!"

You know what? I wish so too. I've seen way too many times when I--or my friends--have been emotionally subservient to liking/crushing on a guy who we have no idea if he wants to have a relationship with us (or we know he doesn't but he doesn't admit it.) Wouldn't it be so much better if we decided to leave our armor behind? What's the worse we have to lose? Risking rejection? The benefits way override the risk. 

So--whether you are a guy or girl--the next time you find yourself obsessing over someone who's available and that you'd date, pick up the phone. 

It's worth it. 


*For more on girls asking guys out, click here .

Guest Post on Women's Rights & Fights

Image: 

This above picture is “Young Lady with a Shiner” By: Norman Rockwell”

A few posts ago I invited guests to submit posts and share with readers.
I must say, I was quite surprised by some of the submissions and am contemplating whether to put them up or not.
Not exactly what I expected.
But here is an adorable poem submitted by HEA:

That was one swell fight!

I got that kid mighty good!

I beat him up nice and proper,

Better than any boy could!!

I don’t feel my shiner,

Nor do I care one drop

About my sorry mess of clothes,

Or about my messed up mop.

My teacher is in the office

Telling the principal about me,

But I don’t really care at all;

That fight was fun, you see.

My teacher is too prim and fine

To know what fun I had,

Why, I bet she never fought in her life,

Not even just a tad.

Oh, I know exactly what

The principal will say:

That I am a young lady

And need to act that way.

But we live in the 1950s,

Where women want their rights,

And I think that part of that,

Should allow us to have fights!