Vulnerability in Dating

Vulnerability is like getting old. None of us want to get old, yet that's the only way to live a long life. None of us want to become vulnerable, but that is the only way to become involved in a relationship. See Fortresses Dating Fortresses for more on this theory.


I posted last week asking people what makes them vulnerable expecting a flood of answers which would allow for me to do research and come to some brilliant conclusions.
Unfortunately, it took forever for someone to comment. Perhaps talking about vulnerability makes people vulnerable...


Ish Yehudi wrote: Opening up my heart. Taking a risk. Disclosing something private about myself. Showing my flaws, weakness, self-doubt. Any or all of the above. 

I think it's necessary to connect on a deep level. To truly experience life and enjoy it.

It's part of learning to live with hurt -which is a part of life -and appreciating others who accept and love us for exactly who we are. 

I also asked friends on facebook about what makes them vulnerable and responses varied: 


1) Uncertainty
2) Lack of self-confidence
3) Fear of a negative outcome


and this one beats all


4) Oiy...




So from this video above the following things stuck out in my mind about vulnerability: 

Vulnerability is...

1) the courage to be imperfect, to open up and say who you really are connection as a result of authenticity

2) the willingness to say i love you first,  

do something without guarantees, to invest in a relationship which might not work out

People who are willing to embrace their vulnerability rather than control and predict everything are taking a huge risk. They are opening up their heart and opening the possibility for hurt. 

In the end of the day, the very things that make us vulnerable make us beautiful. 

Your Deal Breaker

Image: http://s3.hubimg.com

I assume each person has a limit of things he or she is willing to put up with.

Question: What is a deal breaker for you in a relationship?

Some extreme cases of deal breakers below:

-My friend went out with a guy who murdered someone (car accident)
-A guy told me on a date that he thinks about Niddah all day (Isn't the weather beautiful tonight)
-A guy told me on a date how he pretended to be mentally ill to avoid the army (haha, so funny)
-Generally speaking, if a guy does not believe in marriage, or is of untraditional orientations...
-A friend of mine says "Bad Temper" breaks the deal


Waiting to hear your thoughts...

How Can You Blog About Your Private Life?

Image: http://www.eatsleepbreathemusic.com/

I get this question quite often. 

Why do you blog?

Why isn't your blog anonymous?

Why don't you put your name on it if it isn't anonymous?

How can you write about such private things?

My answer is as Rabbi Dr. Kanerfogel says: "Yes and No"

For those who know who I am, kaput. For those who do not, googling my name will not bring my blog up to the front of the screen and vice versa. 

Once I was going out with this guy, and when I wrote a blog about being dumped, scores of emails expressing sympathy came my way. For G-d's snake! My blog isn't a diary... it is a blog! And that means whatever it means. I cannot really figure it out. 

I actually was dumped soon after...

Sometimes things happen in my life that I wish I could write about. They would make the perfect funny, cynical, comical and to the point. I cannot because people will know. 

And that is my life right now. 

I attended a bloggers event two weeks ago because I was curious to hear what they would have to say. They were discussing the future of blogging and where it would lead. It got me so annoyed. I do not care   where it is leading. I am just enjoying it in the moment. Granted, it was fun to see some famous bloggers "come out of the closet" and present themselves. 

On a final note, if you think I blog about private stuff, there is a lot more out there. Like this blog for example http://unconsummated.blogspot.com/

I was surprised to see it... mixed emotions at all. Shocked that it is happening, intrigued that she would write about it. 

I am interested in hearing your opinions and if you are interested in writing guest posts either anonymously or publicly, email me. 

Dating, Mating, or Waiting?

Image: http://farm4.static.flickr.com 

Are You Dating, Mating, or Waiting?

Whichever one it is, you can probably use the services of the brand new “BREAK-UP CLUB” (BUC) located in the hubs of the dating scenes of the world.

The club was founded on Purim 2011 for all the broken-up individuals of the world to unite in “One-closer to my bashertedness” and “Thank G-d I'm not dating the wrong onedness”.

The goal of the “BREAK-UP CLUB” is to “Make break-ups into parties,” says founder and president of the BUC—Shavarly Onetimetoomany. “People will soon look forward to break-ups as one does to weddings, Bar-Mitzvahs, and birthday parties.”

The club offers unlimited tubs of ice cream,

Enough liquor for the individual to drink until they can no longer distinguish between “Blessed Am I” and “Cursed is He”.

The music plays all night long.

And one has a right to rant and rave and get all their frustration out as long as no one else in the club is hurt and no property is damaged.

The club gathers on a weekly basis.

Admission is free, and frequent members get additional liquor to take home.

“I must mention the inspiration for this brilliant idea...” says Shavarli, “The brilliant song of Perel Skier brought the thought into my mind to start this club.”

The famous song is “Taco-Eating Nuns” which expresses the idea of creating a nunnery for single women who are sick of dating and add some tacos for the fun of it.

The two best lines of the song are: “In our male-free taco commune, we'll brain those jerks with skillets” and

“Who cares about dating

When you could be contemplating

Tacos with me.”

With questions, suggestions, or to join please e-mail me.

A freilichin Pirim....  

Confusion of the Mind & Soul

Image: http://www.racialicious.com/

-Most often, people just know. They know if it is right. They know if it is not.

Okay, for myself, I know when it is a definite no. I usually decline with relative ease.

I do not look back. I do not feel remorse.

The problem arises when there is the option of the “maybe” and the decline wasn't uttered.

And then you put yourself on the line with someone else who is human and therefore inevtably has flaws.

I believe that a persons main character strengths and weaknesses can be seen in a microcosm during the first meeting. And expecting perfection is expecting the impossible.

Thoughts. Thoughts. Thoughts. They torture my mind.

Conflicting messages. Ease they try to find.

Why the diffuculties are used to bind.

One who is not aware of dual tension is simply blind.

I have a story for you. About a man and his daughter. Or his son. His child. It does not really matter.

The point is that the parent wanted the child to be in a meaningful relationship and to escape the pangs of loneliness and aloneness. At the same time, the father wanted the child to have only the healthiest relationships, only with the best and most perfect of creatures.

And so the son/daughter spent their life swinging from one side to the other as a pendulum in a clock until it died a conflicted breed.

-Another story that intrigued me was one brought by J.K. Rowling in Harry Potter. That is the tale of the Deathly Hallows. Of three brothers who wanted to escape death by building a bridge to climb over the river where the angel of death was planning on drowning them. The angel of death was schocked at the success of the brothers and granted each one a wish.

The siblings asked for what they thought would be the permanent solution to death.

The oldest brother asked to have more might than anyone else. He was given the strongest wand in the world. He used it to smite people. In the middle of the night, someone stole his wand and slit his throat.

The second brother asked for the power to revive the dead. He was granted that power. He revived his beloved from the dead, but after seeing her despair of being in a world in which she did not belong, he too filled with despair and hung himself.

The youngest brother asked to leave the site without the angel of death following him. The angel of death removed his invisibility cloak and handed it over to the young man. The angel searched for the son but could not locate him anywhere. Many years later, the third brother, who was by now an old man handed the invisibility cloak to his son, and walked towards the angel of death as a one walks towards an old friend.

- I am in Israel. On a trip. Definitely an experience and more to come soon. Just want to mention the fact that one of the guys in the group was pretty much arrested because of army draft situations.  

Why the Shidduch scene is called a market

picture (https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgd3vmHsmZQCdRXbgh5R62NVTse3m2HbM_6SC9PdxyvXoLDzxWZnB_eQzge8_49vETA0SAYLLnGEs58PLXA9zcxzcuIwPvU849RcNb8I2mCBrFO89Sxkoss_NWxnQn8F3WWsYwRkpc21UM/s400/blind_date02.png)





There is a market out there with products for sale, customers and salesmen. The sales proceed smoothly in the case that all roles are acted out properly.

Product for Sale: Girl

Salesman: Shadchan

Customer: Young man

America is the land of consumers market. It is not communist, and therefore, there must be a surplus of products for customers to choose from. That is why for each guy out there, twenty girls are lined up waiting to kiss the heels of his feet.

Products vary. Girls can be chosen dependent on their height, weight, family background, eye and hair color, intellect and qualities.

The job of the salesman is to find the young man the product his choice, i.e. his bashert. The business works like real estate, where the Shadchan gets paid on commission, every time he/she scores an engagement.

Now every young man is looking for the perfect young lady: smart, beautiful, kind, great family, lots of money….

The difficulty of the Shadchan is that the products the customers want do not exist, because girls, although they are products, are imperfect, for they are manufactured by G-d. So the Shadchan has the challenging task of convincing a guy to go out with someone who is not exactly ‘his perfect girl’.

Once the Shadchan does coerce a guy into going out with a girl because although she is 5’1, she is extremely sweet, and although she isn’t the nobel prize winner, she is definitely smart enough (to cook cholent….), and she has the looks of an amazing person (whatever that means), and her parents live extremely comfortably (in a condo with a dog), the guy agrees to go on a date, but only one date.

Then, please keep in mind, that the shidduch markets is one of the only ones selling human beings, so the Shadchan goes to the product, i.e. the girl and tells her that she must give this guy a try, because he is just one in a million.
Although the girl has been sitting by her phone for the past eighteen years, reciting tehillim, waiting for that fateful call from the Shadchan, she doesn’t want to sound too excited for the fear of Chas Veshalom sounding desperate. So she asks the Shadchan about him:

(please keep in mind that brackets include thoughts only)


--Is he smart?
--He has a great head (for a hat rack)
--Does he learn?
--He has a great head
--I understand, but does he set time to learn?
--As I told you already, he has a great head.

--Is he tall?
--I would definitely say he is taller than you (I think he reaches 5’2 with his hat on. What does she want already, for me to set her up with someone who isn’t Jewish?)
--Is he good looking?
--{Super Enthusiastic Voice} He looks extremely manly! (i.e. he is really fat, and has hair coming out from between his first and second shirt button, and hair in his nose and ears)
--Is he neat?
--Well, I was never in his room, how do you want me to know that? (Basically, he is a pig)

--Is he nice?
--He gives off a very nice impression (for the five minutes that I saw him)

--Does he have plans for supporting a family?
--You know what darling {in an irritated voice}, details you will just have to find out for yourself!


The girl is perplexed, but this definitely sounds like an amazing guy, so she agrees to go out.

The guy is so nervous before the date. The palms of his hand are covered in a cold sweat as he keeps undoing and redoing his first button, trying to understand if he should look official or cool, not that the button will really help “nerd” within him go away. He arrives by her front door ten minutes early, but since guys can’t be early, he drives around her block thirty three times and finally pulls over fifteen minutes too late.
He knocks on the door. Every minute seems like eternity. Finally, he hears footsteps. The door opens and there stands a gorgeous young girl. Young man is mesmerized.

--You are here to see my sister?—she smiles.
The young man can only nod. He has no idea what to say.
He looks toward the dining room where his date awaits him. With every ounce of strength that is left in his body, he keeps the smile pasted on his face, silently cursing himself out for not running in the other direction when the Shadchan told him that the girl he was going to date looked “healthy”, she only weighs about three hundred pounds. And her nose is just from shir hashirim, as it resembles the Babylonian tower protruding gracefully from between the girls’ eyes.

They leave the house and start talking. Life is not that bad after all and the two have a pleasant conversation. The girl is extremely spiritual, so she can look past his ugly ‘manly’ looks and appreciate his inner qualities, while the young man, well, he is still a man, and he just doesn’t feel the chemistry, and it is not because he forgot to bring a formula from the lab. So after the date, he waits twelve hours, because, after all, who calls the Shadchan immediately? It’s not like he was thinking of her or anything.

--Hi, Mrs. Shadchan, thanks for setting us up, but the girl is not for me.
--Why not? I had such a good feeling.
--Well, she was not wearing any make-up
--You know what, it’s extremely important to know a girl the way she is, without any external distractions.
--No, and she was not really my type
--But why? She is exactly what you are looking for. You think you are looking for one thing, I am telling you, what you really need for happiness in life is to marry this girl.
--Thank you, but no, although she is a wonderful person.
--And that is why I think you should go out again!
--Mrs. Shadchan. Thank you, she is not for me.
--Well, it’s your loss.


The Shadchan calls the girl with a heavy heart and informs her that it’s over. The girl breaks down in sobs because her entire future is now ruined and the man of her dreams refused to love her in response. She begs the Shadchan to tell her what she did wrong, what she should change, to no avail. The young man does not want to go out with her anymore.

That’s the saga of the shidduch date and why the shidduch scene is actually a market.